He drops off the edge of the bath and onto his knees in front of me. His arms wrap around my legs and his forehead presses against one of my thighs as he holds on tight. I look down at himfor a moment, then reach down and take his face in both hands, tilting it until he is looking at me.
“Vero.” I wait until his eyes are on mine. “I can see myself loving you.” And I mean it; I can see it. “I can already feel it. But I would never love you the same way Brawley does, and I would never try.” I hold his face when he tries to look away. “What you have with him is not something I am trying to compete with. I wouldn’t even know how, and I wouldn’t want to. Your love with him doesn’t have to look the same way as it does with me. They are not the same thing. They don’t have to be.”
He stares up at me, his eyes wet and face raw in a way I don’t think many people ever get to see. “So, you don’t want me to leave?” he says slowly. “Even though I can’t love you the same way.”
I laugh. “No. I would never want you to leave. Not for any reason.” I run my thumb across his cheekbone. “The way you are with me is exactly right for me, Vero. You don’t have to change it or name it or make it something else.” I look at him and I mean every word. “You heal a part of my soul. I don’t know how else to say it. And I think I need to be around you just as much as you seem to need to be around me.”
He looks at me for a long moment and gives me a smile—not the unhinged version I love so much, but it’s a start.
“Okay,” he says.
“Okay,” I reply.
He leans his forehead against my thigh again, and I let him, one hand resting on the back of his head. We stay like that for a while in the quiet bathroom.
Vero
According to my phone, I slept for fourteen hours, though that is not unusual after an episode. Lying here, I take a second to check the inside of my head; the noise is quieter, but it’s not gone. It’s never fully gone, but it is now turned down to a level that I think I should be okay to function, and that is enough for now. Even though I know the three assholes who I live with will mother-hen me for the next few days.
To the outside world, our friendship may seem dysfunctional, but we all need and accept each other. If anyone messes with me, I know the three of them have my back no matter what. It’s unconventional, but I love them like they are my own brothers. Though maybe not Brawley, because fucking your brother would be frowned upon, so thank fuck he isn’t mine by blood.
I sit up to find Brawley sprawled in the chair by the window, watching me as he always does when I get this way. He never leaves my side, and I hate feeling like a burden. He deserves so much better, yet he stays. For whatever illogical reason, his need for violence calms my noise.
He pushes up from the chair and comes over to the bed, takes a quick look at my head, then reaches out and runs his hand over it. “How do you feel?”
“Fine,” I say, and I mean it—mostly. I can feel the noise creeping around the edges of my mind, and a light itch lingers under my skin. Those are signs I’m not all the way back, but I know my limits and I will be fine given time.
He flashes me a look that tells me he knows I am not telling the whole truth, but he won’t call me out on it just yet. He will keep a watch on me.
“After you went to sleep, I spoke to Kayla.”
Panic claws its way inside, as after what she witnessed, I wouldn’t be surprised if she walked away. So many people in my life say they can handle it, but they can’t. It’s why I left home. I know my family loves me, but they just don’t know what to do with me. My brother goes on and on about being medicated, but we tried that and I was a zombie. I hated feeling that way, and when I came here, everything changed.
Everyone’s brain here is wired differently. No one judges me; they all just want to help. Though we have support in place, everyone’s looks different. When Vesper loses it, Brawley is the only one who can approach her. Cave, well, with him, tranquilizer darts are our best friend. That guy would probably kill everyone and not even blink. We occasionally question if he is kid-friendly, but even though the crazy bastard scares the life out of them, he actually loves kids and would never hurt them—I would bet my life on it.
“What did you tell her?” I ask, needing to brace myself in case he tells me she is gone for good.
“How it works, what to do and not to do. What it looks like when it is coming and passing, and she asked lots of questions.” I know that he knows the question burning inside me. “You didn’t scare her. If anything, I did by dragging you into the cage.”
I smirk at that and reach up and touch the bridge of my nose. “Still hurts, asshole. Is she still here?”
He shakes his head. “She needed to go to work, so Clay dropped her off at home. She will come and see you tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I say, trying not to sound disappointed.
“I’m going to get you something to eat. I want you to at least have something small in case this isn’t over yet.”
I nod, knowing if I argue, he will just sit on me and force me to eat. As fun as that usually is, right now I need to sort through my own head and make sure I’m strong enough for when my paper-cut princess comes back. I hate that she saw me in a moment of weakness.
He gets my food, and I eat it sitting on the bed. Ares comes by at some point and leans in the doorway, looking at me. I stare back, though neither of us says anything about last night, which is fine—we will get to it in time. Clay appears behind him and nods at me from the hall and disappears again. That is more than enough from Clay and I appreciate it.
By the time I have eaten, I feel almost like myself again, except for the itch, which I am trying really hard not to think about.
I pick up my phone, needing to send Kayla a message, maybe to thank her for what she did. I know she is working, even if Brawley hadn’t told me. She works the same shifts every week, and I have them memorized. It wasn’t intentional, but when I decide someone is important to me, my brain collects every detail and locks it away safe.
I open our messages.
Vero: Are you alive?
