My knees stop bouncing, but my insides continue quaking. I wrap my arms around my midriff, resisting the urge to rock back and forth on the chair. I can’t regret freeing the stranded from their prison. But was it worth endangering the lives of everyone I care about? I don’t know. I’m glad I didn’t have to make a conscious decision in that moment.
But those stranded souls ... There were so many of them, all of themsuffering. Why were they trapped in the Gray Void in the first place? I shake my head. It doesn’t matter. I know in my gut I did the right thing. Now I just need to clean up the mess I created.
Too bad I have no idea how.
I sink my teeth into my bottom lip and tighten my arms around my stomach. Whatever darkness lies within me, I also bear the light of the Yeoiju. It stayed with me even though I am the literal spawn of the devil. And it didn’t leave me when I bewitched and killed said devil.
I don’t believe the Yeoiju stayed with me because I’m deserving of its light. Maybe it didn’t abandon me because I have some uses left. I am not worthy of Ethan—the pain hits me like a rib-shattering punch—and I’m not worthy of my friends.
But ... what if I can still protect them?
It won’t change who I am. That doesn’t matter. Besides, it might be better that I’m no good because now I can doanythingto keep them safe. Since I can never deserve them, nothing will hold me back from playing dirty. Yet something inside me recoils from the thought.
As my panic recedes bit by bit, I notice the somber silence in the restaurant, each of us lost in our thoughts.
“It’s time.” Mr. Ha sighs, looking out the window at the moonlit night.
“I ... Please give me five minutes,” Captain Seo blurts and hurries out of the restaurant with a fleeting glance my way.
She’s sending a message to Ethan.
I jump to my feet and chase after the captain. I catch up to her just as she reaches the beach. She takes out the copper bowl from her dungarees and walks to the edge of the water. She returns to my side with the bowl halfway filled, then kneels on the sand. I wordlessly drop to my knees beside her.
Captain Seo gathers a small mound of sand in her palm and pours it into the bowl. Then she positions the bowl of water and sand in front of her so it catches the full moon on its surface. She pulls out a rumpled square of paper along with a stubby pencil. I make out the wordcasinoetched on the side of the pencil, but her fingers hide which one she nabbed it from.
“What are you going to say?” The soft breeze carries away my whisper.
Why am I setting myself up for heartbreak?
“Very little.” The captain sighs and glances at me with eyes full of sympathy. “Like I said, communicating between the realms is difficult and unreliable. Anything more than a few words will become jumbled, making the whole message incomprehensible.”
I can only nod, because my pounding heart is lodged in my throat. Captain Seo smooths out the small piece of paper on her thigh and writes carefully on it so the pencil doesn’t rip through the paper. I don’t look away even as tears sting my eyes.
Found Sunny. Coming back.
“I can’t go back to the Kingdom of Mountains,” I choke out.
“I know. Minju told me. I meant we’re coming back to the Realm of Four Kingdoms.” She lays the piece of paper on top of her palm. “We will explain everything to him once we get there.”
I’m not sure I want to explain any of it, but I keep that to myself—as well as the fact that I can’t decide whether to go to the Realm of Four Kingdoms with them or not. I have no idea what I’m going to do.
The captain closes her eyes and speaks an incantation under her breath. The note levitates off her palm and floats over the bowl. She continues the soft chant until the paper combusts in a burst of silver flames, leaving behind an afterimage of the message in the air. Then the silvery traces of the words sink into the water and disappear.
Did the message find Ethan on the other side of the abyss? I wish I could chase after the words and reach his side in my next breath. I miss him so much. I feel hollow—like every essential organ inside me is gone. I am empty without him.
For the first time, I let myself think about how Ethan must have felt when I left him to chase after Daeseong—how he must feel not knowing what happened to me. I close my eyes as my throat and chest tighten painfully.
I almost lost my mind when he disappeared from the mountain cave with the yellow assassin. Not knowing he was safe almost wrecked me. He must feel the same way—desperate, helpless, scared.
I’m sorry, Ethan.
The message will at least reassure him that I’m safe. I hope that will be enough for now.
Chapter Ten
Ethan
We ride at the back of the battalion at Jihun’s insistence. Although impatience crawls over my skin, my royal adviser made the right call. After hours on horseback, every muscle in my body screams with pain. I would never have been able to keep up at the front of the line.
