“Mmm-hmm.” The warm, intimate sound rumbles in his chest, inviting me to talk to him. To tell him anything.
“I’m sorry I dragged you into all this.” It’s easier to apologize—to make myself vulnerable—with my eyes closed, cocooned in the soft darkness of my own making.
“I don’t think you did,” he says after a long pause. “If I’m really a being of the Shingae, then maybe I was meant to be a part of this all along. Besides, you didn’t drag me into anything. I chose to be with you.”
“Do you wish you chose differently?” My voice is as small as a child’s, and I hold my breath as I wait for his answer.
“I’ll always choose to be with you, Sunny.” He reaches across the small gap between us and links his pinky with mine. Like a promise. “There is no other choice for me.”
I take a shuddering breath as hot tears rush to my eyes. It shouldn’t make me happy—but fuck it all—it makes me so terrifyingly happy that I can’t find the saltiness to call him an idiot.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
TheBook of Answersdoesn’t clear up the next day. So we decide to wait and try again after another day. And another day. And another day after that. We play house like this for several days—eating in the courtyard, talking for hours, falling asleep beneath the blue sky.
In the space between sleep and wakefulness, I tell Ethan things I’ve never told anyone. And he listens as though he wants to soak up every word that comes out of my mouth. He tells me things too—about the years after I left him and Ben. About the years before I met them.
“How did your parents die?” I ask, staring up at the wispy clouds.
“Car accident,” he says simply. “It happened when I was eight. I was at school, and the principal called me into her office. I thought I was in trouble for drawing a caricature of my homeroom teacher. But Ben was there ...”
I reach for his hand. He laces our fingers together.
“He said it happened quickly and they didn’t suffer. And they were together, so they didn’t feel lonely.” Ethan clears his throat. “Ben dropped out of college to take care of me, and we moved to LA. I don’t remember why we moved, but I’m glad we did, because you came into our lives a handful of years later.”
“I was happy with you guys, you know.” I turn my head away. “That’s why I left. I ... I got scared.”
“I want to make you happy again.” He cups my cheek and turns me to face him, shifting to his side. “And I won’t let you run away this time. I’m going tokeepyou happy.”
I crush my lips against his so suddenly that he gasps with surprise. I had to shut him up. He can’t say things like that. It makes me feel things I can’t acknowledge. It makes me long for things I don’t deserve. But I also kiss him because I want to ... I wanthim. That, I can acknowledge. The quiet of the last few days has taught me that I care about him. That he’s my friend. But I also desire him with every cell in my body. I want to touch him and be touched by him. I hunger for him. I burn for him.
And I’m beginning to understand that being his friend and lusting after him don’t have to be mutually exclusive. I’m inexperienced, but I don’t have to experience things firsthand toknowthings. It’s hard not to learn all kinds of stuff when you’ve lived as long as I have. So I know friends with benefits is a thing. It’s actually a very practical, mature thing.
I’ve been lonely, even though I never admitted it to myself. Being with Ethan has eased that loneliness. I’m also horny as hell. It might have something to do with the fact that I’m a one-hundred-thirty-two-year-old virgin. That was a choice I made.Thisis also a choice I’m making. I want to have sex. With Ethan. He might as well ease my horniness too.
Ethan is so still, I’m not sure if he’s breathing. Slowly, so slowly, he raises his hand to cup the back of my head with a featherlight touch. He brushes his lips back and forth against mine as though he’s memorizing the feel of them ... memorizing every last detail of this moment. I whimper and lean closer, but he draws back, breaking the kiss.
“Shhh.” He presses a kiss on one closed eye, then the other while his thumb traces the outline of my bottom lip. “Be patient for me.”
Exhaling a shaky breath, I force myself still. I can be patient. When his lips at last find mine again, my patience is put to the test. He kisses each corner, murmuring how sweet I taste, and moisture gathers between my legs, slick and hot. He eases my lips apart and sucks mylower lip into his mouth. He groans and burrows his fingers deeper into my hair.
Even if my heart is beating too fast and tears prickle my eyes, it doesn’t mean that this is anything more than satisfying a physical need. Attraction is fleeting—that’s another thing I know. We need to keep this casual so no one gets their heart broken. I turn my head away, but Ethan trails kisses down my neck, undeterred. I bare more of my neck to him.
“This doesn’t have to change anything,” I pant, and he freezes, his lips pressed against my skin.
He leans back to look at me, his eyes shuttered and unreadable. “Explain.”
“Things are ... not normal right now, and we don’t know if this”—I manage to wave my hand in the narrow gap between our bodies—“is real or whatever. I don’t want you to think I expect anything from you. We can ... move on with our lives when things become normal again.”
He goes taut against me. And he feels distant even though he’s close enough for the heat of his body to seep into mine. “I see.”
Hesees? What the hell does that mean? And why am I disappointed? Did I expect him to balk and argue? To insist that this is more than scratching an itch? It doesn’t matter. I needed him to know where I stand. Now he knows. But I’m afraid he’s going to pull away. Afraid he’ll stop.
“Ethan?” I brush my nose along his. “I just want you to make this ache inside me go away. Please?”
I think I see devastation in his eyes before he crushes his lips against mine, all searing heat and desperation. There are no more tender whispers or soft lingering kisses. He’s done with his slow exploration. This is what I wanted, right? I don’t want to be cherished. I want to be ravished.
I arch my body against his and, gods ... he’s already as hard as steel. His tongue delves into my mouth with decadent, sinuous strokes. I moan, and he captures the sound with another devouring kiss. He runsan unsteady hand down the dip of my waist and cups my ass, hauling me closer. I grind my hips against him, and he growls deep in his chest.
