Yes, happy.
It was a startling realization.
She had also not thought of her problems over the past several hours or worried about where Catherine might keep the cider or elderberry wine.
Catherine was telling her the plans for the vegetable garden to be planted on the other side of the herbs when Leonie had a sudden desire to confess to this very kind woman. “I have a problem with drink.”
Her mother-in-law stopped speaking in midsentence. She’d had her arm flung out to describe her plans for another bed by the cottage back door. She now lowered it. “I know.”
“Do you think badly of me?”
Catherine considered a moment and then said, “I believe we all have challenges in life. David is losing strength in his legs. I don’t know what will happen. The doctor suspects the worst. I’m glad we are here with Roman and my daughters.”
“Do you mean he may be unable to walk?”
“No, Leonie, the worst.”
“He could die?”
Catherine bent to rub a mint leaf between her fingers before answering. “Yes, he could. The doctor believes he has a wasting disease”
The information was startling. “Are you afraid?”
Her mother-in-law struggled a moment with emotions Leonie could only imagine. Then she said, “My dear girl, it is not how we die that is important, but how we live. David is good right now. We are both happy here and this moment is all that matters. Besides, I keep hoping the doctor is wrong.” She paused and then asked, “Are you good right now?”
“About drinking?” Leonie had been so caught up in David’s story she’d forgotten herself. “I had a moment this afternoon. I was on my way to the village in search of something. If I had found it, I don’t know what would have happened between Roman and myself.”
“What would youhavehappen?” There was a carefulness in Catherine’s voice, as if she knew she treaded on dangerous ground.
“I’d have him forgive me—again. But he wouldn’t. He isn’t the sort to give me my lead and not finally decide he’d had enough.”
“Would you mind?”
Leonie looked at the good dirt she had been combing through with her fingers. “Yes,” she replied so quietly she was speaking more to herself than Catherine.
But her mother-in-law had heard. She leaned over and covered Leonie’s hand with her own. “I’ve known people who have your penchant. They had to learn how to stay away.”
“And how did they do that?” There was the crux of the matter.
“I never asked. It always seemed such a personal question.” Catherine thought a moment and then said, “They found something they loved more than the drink.”
“Something they loved more.” Leonie looked at the fledgling plants. “I enjoyed this. I haven’t thought about a drink.”
“That is a start.” There was another pause. “What about my son?”
“What about him?” Leonie asked, confused.
“Do you love him enough to change?”
Did she love Roman? “He said he loves me,” she admitted. “Or he did. He has made it clear he does not wish to spend much time with me anymore. He is very angry.”
“I didn’t ask what he thought of you, Leonie. I asked what you thought of him.”
“I don’t know that I understand what love is, especially the way your family talks about it. Already my marriage is nothing like my parents’.” She studied the coneflowers’ leaves and then said, “I think he is the most honest, brave, and considerate man I know. That I’ve disappointed him tears me apart inside. Is that love, to be sorry that I failed him? Or is it love that I miss him? We don’t speak and I hate that most of all. It’s as if I’ve had glimpses of what it could be like between us, and yet, each time, I fail him.”
Catherine leaned toward. “I think my son cares for you deeply. But I’ll tell you a lesson I had to learn, and that is, unless I loved myself I would never understand my worth to David or my children. It had to start with me. Love yourself enough to save yourself, Leonie.” She brushed Leonie’s hair back from the temple. “Then you will know how to love others. I will give you a hint. It isn’t all about what happens in bed. It has more to do in how we honor each other.”
“Such as my not drinking and doing as he wishes?”
