Last night wasn’t perfect, but it was a step forward. I felt myself losing it during sex, but the cuffs kept me under control. It’s hard to understand why this is happening with Felix. I’ve had plenty of sex with other people and never got this wound up. With Felix, it’s like my psyche splits in half, and a war between me now and the seventeen-year-old beast that killed dozens of people begins.
When things get hot with Felix, it’s all-consuming. It’s a combination of reverence and possessiveness. The walls I’ve built to protect myself come crashing down. The intimacyshifts into aggression, and I find myself yearning to put my hands on Felix in all the wrong ways.
Last night worked, but what if I break free from the cuffs? What if we get hot and heavy somewhere with no restraints, and I lose it?
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to calm down. My chest feels compressed, like there’s a heavy rock on top of me, as my mind conjures a million scenarios of me hurting Felix.
Take a breath, Torren.
I’m not like that right now, which I’m so grateful for. The faint little snores he makes stop, and his eyes blink open before looking up at me.
“Hi,” he says in his groggy state.
“Hey.”
Felix rests his head on my chest once more. “I can feel your heartbeat,” he whispers.
I don’t know why, but that makes my gut twist. My body suddenly feels cold, and I chew on my bottom lip.
Felix hums with concern, then rises from my chest. “Are you okay?” he asks.
I’m not.God, I’m such a fucked up mess.I don’t understand why my body reacts this way to him, but I have to figure it out.
Later.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I assure him. “Kinda hungry.” I’m not that hungry, but I need to move.
Felix rests his head on his hand, a little smile appearing. “Mmm, same. Got any more of those donuts I brought?”
“I crushed the whole box the morning after.” I’m not even a little embarrassed. Those donuts are out of this freaking world.
“Pig,” he says while giving my stomach a little slap.
“Fuck you,” I reply with a laugh.
Felix rolls over, lying on his back with one arm resting on me. “Damn. I wanted a Maggie donut. I miss them.”
“We can always get some. You know the restaurant’s open.”
Felix shakes his head, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “I’m too embarrassed. I didn’t give much notice when I quit.” He pauses for a moment, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, lost in thought. Suddenly, he sits upright, resting a hand on my thigh. “You were there recently, right?”
I nod, and he asks, “Has she replaced me yet?”
“It was just her and Gilda when I visited. Not really sure if she hired anyone else.”
Felix looks off for a moment, his eyes scanning the room, before saying. “You know what? I do want to go toMaggie’s. Is that cool with you?”
I can’t help but smile because I know exactly where this is going. I sit upright and stretch, my heart finally settling down.
Felix’s eyes meet mine, and he asks, “Do you regret last night?”
The honest answer is no. I don’t regret anything. “Not at all.”
My only concern is making sure we maintain our friends-with-benefits status. I can’t let us slide into romance.
Felix sits on his knees and asks, “You’ll tell me if things get too much? Talk to me?”
My voice gets caught on the emotion clogging my throat, but I push it through. “I-I’ll try.”
