Hurting Felix will crush me, but it must be done.
For him.
I stare at him on the bed, and it dawns on me how much I love seeing him there. The walls begin closing in on me, and I start having a hard time breathing.
I cough while pulling on my collar, and Felix jumps to his feet and closes the distance between us. “Are you alright?” he asks. “Can I get you some water?”
He rushes into the bathroom and fills the glass by the sink. He navigates the space effortlessly; it’s like he’s totally at ease in this nightmare I call my life. Felix hands me the glass, and I take a sip.
I can’t. I can’t do this.
Looking at Felix is still too hard, so I close my eyes and take another sip of the water. When I open my eyes again, I see him standing before me, clearly concerned.
Don’t. Please don’t care about me.
It’s time. I know this will hurt Felix, but it has to be done.
I have to keep reminding myself, or I won’t go through with it.
My mouth opens—
But nothing comes out. The words are caught in my throat because I know, once I say them, there’s no taking them back.
And, for a moment, I almost don’t say them.
Do it for him—his safety.
I breathe in through my nose and blurt out everythingI need to say so that I don’t stop mid-speech. “Felix, I’m sorry I did what I did. I’d do anything to go back in time and never meet you atMaggie’s. I’d do anything to prevent you from knowing who I am, because it’s dangerous knowing me. I’m not good for anyone, which is why I can’t see you anymore. I want you to stop coming here. You have tostopthis stalking thing. I want you to leave me alone. Got it?”
Felix stares at me with an unreadable expression. He looks at the beer cans, then his eyes slowly trail up to meet mine. “Why are those there?” he asks while motioning to the cans.
My hackles rise, and the impulse to defend myself is palpable. Why the hell would he ask about the beer cans after what I just told him? “Because I drank them.”
“Why?” he presses on.
“Because I like to get drunk, Felix.”
“Because you like being drunk, or because you need to run away from your feelings?”
WHAT?My hands clench at my sides, the blood rising to my face. “Don’t act like you know me, Felix. You don’t know a damn thing about me.”
“Because you won’t let me know you! You won’t let me in, no matter what I do to get close.” Felix rises from the bed, walks over to the cans, and kicks them. “Torren, I know you feel something for me. I know this isn’t one-sided, but you’re running away. No, you’re pushing me away because you don’t want to admit you feel something. Because you’re scared.”
“Yes, I am scared! I’m scared I’ll hurt you, Felix, because I did! And I’ll hurt you again. Your face was blue by the time I was done with you, and you were bleeding. I shouldn’t be around anyone, let alone you.”
“Those things didn’t hurt nearly as much as you leaving mealone that night. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to help—”
“You can’t help me—”
“Yes, I can!”
“NO, YOU CAN’T!” I rush toward him, my hands finding the sides of his arms and shaking him as I scream. “Listen to me, Felix. Nobody can help me. I’m a freak. A monster, and you should be dating some Private Equity guy who’s going to be rich and powerful and give you whatever you want.”
Felix jerks my arms away and points his finger at me while he speaks. “I don’t want that! I want something real—deeper.”
“I can’t give that to you!”
“But how do you know?” There’s still fire inside him. He won’t quit, and I choose to ignore the way it makes my heart swell.
