It was everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I figured it would be in the ridiculous blogs likePuck ChatterandIce Whispers, but I hadn’t expected more reputable outlets likeIce League InsiderandPuck Reportto have a story on us, too.
Everything was happening so fast. Theo and I went from chatting with a scout to being the NCAA’s biggest scandal in only forty-eight hours. I was sure the scout had heard, and that our shot at joining the farm team was likely ruined.
Given the way my stomach had been since I found out, you’d think I wouldn’t have any appetite. Not so, I was pounding Maria’s cake. She was right, everything was better with chocolate cake. She could have made two at the rate I was going. It was probably for the best that she made just one, because I would have been tempted to put the second cake in a Goddamn blender with some booze so I could chug it while weeping over an exposé about my own rim job inPuckside News.It was all just so ridiculous.
Theo had a full-blown meltdown in the bathroom upstairs, and I couldn’t blame him one bit. It was a nightmare. A fuckingnightmare.
As far as I was concerned, Reggie and Roxy could keep my phone. I couldn’t imagine what people were saying, and anyone involved with hockey whatsoever probably knew. The old Vipers players were probably texting us. Cody and Rafael probably saw it too.
Would anyone still want to talk to us? We were damaged goods, disgraced. Having your name posted all over creation with a caption as seedy as the one associated with us was the modern-day equivalent of walking around with a big red ‘A’ sewn into your shirt. I felt gross and exposed.
It wasn’t how I wanted to come out. While some people knew about my sexuality, namely Cody, Rafael, and the few guys I messed around with, I had hidden it from everyone else. There was a sense of protection when it was a secret. Secrets eat away at you over time, but they’re necessary when you’re in survival mode. While it might sound a bit dramatic, I kind of felt like I was in survival mode on the ice. Men’s athletics was a hypermasculine environment, and I felt a shell of protection surrounding me because I wasn’t publicly out. I wanted to come out, but I just needed more time to work on myself to feel confident in my own skin.
Well, I wasn’t going to get the time I needed. Everyone knew, and I had to come to terms with the fact that each time I skated on the ice, every player there would know I was gay.
I didn’t know how to react to it all. The thought of every NCAA hockey player knowing about me shook me to my core. Having the mask ripped off like that was terrifying.
Theo was eating just as much cake as I was. He set his fork down, having just crushed a fourth piece, and wrapped an arm around me. He had a little bit of chocolate on his lip, and helooked absolutely adorable. Feeling his arm wrapped around me, his touch alone quieting my racing mind, made me realize that being with him made all of the bullshit we were going through worth it. It didn’t matter what everyone else thought, because the most important person in my life was sitting right next to me with his arm wrapped around my shoulders.
Theo’s presence was like a soothing balm that grounded me. I existed for that moment alone when he touched me. There were no flashbacks of the past and no fears about the future. It was just us. My love for Theo was enormous, and I wouldn’t give that up for anything. As far as I was concerned, Theo was the love of my life. Even if we didn’t end up together, he’d always have a special place in my heart. Losing him would be worse than anything imaginable—far worse than the dumb scandal we were embroiled in.
I looked around and realized that the whole family sat around the table, eating that delicious cake. We were all together.
I tried to imagine what would be happening in that exact moment if I were still living with Mom. I’d have to hide it from her. Would Theo and I have even gotten together?
Part of me wondered if she saw it, and the other part of me didn’t care. She didn’t say a single word to me after I left. Not a text, no email, nothing. If I were still in that apartment when the scandal hit, I’d be all alone. I couldn’t talk to her. If Louie found out, that wouldreallybe the end of me. I would be a shell of a person, wallowing in my own misery, alone in my bedroom.
That didn’t happen with the Morettis. We were all together, and just the physical act of being close to people who cared made me feel safe.
They weren’t turning their backs on us in disgust—they were worried about us. Just their presence alone felt like a huge show of support.
It was the craziest thing because everything outside of that house was crashing down on me, but for the first time in my life, I felt lucky. I was surrounded by a group of people who took me in when I was down. They supported me before I was their son’s boyfriend, and cared about me even more once Theo and I revealed our relationship.
Fuck the hockey press!It didn’t matter if I played professional hockey when I had Theo and these hilariously loving people around me.
Hockey had become more than just a game for me; it was my lifeline. Daydreaming about hockey stardom pulled me out of the pain of my life, and when I started playing with the Vipers, it felt like that dream might come true. So, I latched my fingers onto that goal and held on for dear life. Every tear I shed was soothed by a vision of a future me living out my hockey dreams.
I’ll show her. I’ll show her boyfriends, too! They’ll regret what they did to me when I play for the NHL. I’ll have money and fans and a big house, and she’ll have nothing.
I was beginning to realize that the anger I felt towards my mother fueled me as much as my love for the game. But sitting next to the love of my life and his wonderful family made me realize…
I have something better now.
Love surrounded me, and that was so much more nourishing than any bullcrap NHL contract, fancy car, or mansion.
Yes, it was awful that someone leaked the picture and did that to us, but they couldn’t take away the love that surroundedme.
And that’s more important than anything.
Theo
Asher and I slept for nearly fourteen hours. I think the stress of it all took its toll on us, and we awoke the next day, groggy and discombobulated.
“What time is it?” Asher asked before craning his neck to see the digital clock. “Jesus, it’s nearly noon.”
It didn’t really matter that it was noon. It’s not like we had anywhere to be. “I feel like I slept for a hundred years but could also sleep for a hundred more,” I croaked out as I rubbed my eyes.
“Same,” Asher agreed. “We slept so long, but I don’t feel refreshed at all. I feel like my head is surrounded by a cloud of fog that just won’t let up.”
