The phone landed on my bed with a thud. My body fell backwards, landing on the bed, and I scrubbed my face with my hands.
Everything felt like it was falling apart. My dreams were getting worse, I was fucking up my chances at playing the sport I loved, and I was probably freaking Cody out with my protectiveness.
I just couldn’t get a grip on anything. Was I subconsciously sabotaging my entire life?
Probably. Which is why Cody wants you to see someone, numbnuts.
The fear that someone would come and destroy this moment of respite in my life warred with my need to control it. The pressure hugged me like a vice.
I just can’t handle it.
Cody
I sat with Mom on the porch while Rafael had his call. Despite my protests, he insisted on having it alone. I wasn’t hurt or mad that he didn’t want me there; I just wished he didn’t feel the need to endure these things alone.
I tried to talk to him about seeing someone again, but he brushed me off. He tried to put on his front that everything was great on the surface, but I could sense the rumbling underneath. Rafael was freaking out. I wasn’t sure if it was about me or what, but he was spiraling and wouldn’t let me in.
It broke my heart.
I tried to talk with Hank again, and he told me that Rafael avoided him at all costs. Hank would either have some excuse as to why he couldn’t talk or spit out something vaguely hurtful. He would just retreat.
Honestly, I wanted Hank to fucking step up and be a goddamn dad. He needed to walk into Rafael’s room, close the fucking door, and make him listen.
Mom sipped her tea as she scanned the backyard. We sat together in awkward silence. Our last real conversation was at the cabin, which wasn’t exactly harmonious, and I was still upset at how she responded to Rafael and me. Still, I didn’t like the tension, so I spoke honestly with her.
“Mom, are you still freaked out about Rafael and me?”
Mom’s eyes didn’t meet mine. She looked down at her teacup for a moment. “I wasn’t freaked out when you told me.” She finally looked up, only to be met with my very disbelieving glare. “Oh, alright, I was a little freaked out. It just was…a shock.”
“I know. It’s weird. Stepbrothers and all.”
Mom’s eyes scanned the table we sat at, a contemplative expression on her face.
“It wasn’t because you’re stepbrothers.” She turned to me, no doubt noticing my raised brow. “No, honestly, Rafael—” She stopped mid-thought and looked at me. “Rafael is unpredictable. He drinks, and he can be volatile. Not to mention you two didn’t have the best relationship early on, and—” She stopped again, the anticipation inside me reaching a boiling point. “I know you won’t want to hear this, but Rafael is a bit like your father, Cody. I guess we have similar tastes in men, huh?”
Take. Me. Now. God.
Mom must have seen my queasy expression because she held up her hand to stop my rumination. “ I’m not saying they’re the same. As an outside observer, I can see that Rafael is crazy about you. There’s true love in his eyes when he looks at you.”
My cheeks heated up. God, I hated how quickly I blushed. “Really?”
“Mmm hmm, and I’m not saying Rafael will do something like your father did. There were many red flags I chose to ignore when it came to your father. Rafael has a wild streak, though. He’s also very wounded. It’s a tough combination. I think my reaction at the cabin was an attempt to prevent you from making a similar mistake that I had made. But—” She pointed her finger at me, shooting me with a laser-focused stare. “It hit me later that I didn’t make a mistake. I would have never had you if I hadn’t been with your father.Thatwould have been the mistake.”
My mouth hit the table. Mom didn’t talk much about Dad, but the little she did mention was negative. Hearing her say it was all worth it because of me brought tears to my eyes.
“Mom…”
She reached across the table and held my hand. “It’s the truth, sweetie. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Period. I know I haven’t always been the best parent. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and relied on you too much. You’ve gone through a lot, and you deserve to be happy. If Rafael makes you happy, then I’m happy for that. I love him.” Her hand squeezed mine a little tighter, her eyes never leaving mine. “But don’t put up with any bullshit either. It takes two people to be in a relationship. Regardless of what Rafael is going through, he needs to think about your feelings too.”
It was what I needed to hear. Parents can be funny like that. They can drive you crazy for your entire life, and then look at you and say something so poignant and perfect that it makes you forget all of the crazy things they did along the way.
I couldn’t help but feel a little sad that Rafael didn’t have something like this. I wanted him to let Hank in. I wanted him to be okay.
***
I knew Rafael wanted space for his phone call, but it had been nearly two hours. Coach couldn’t have been talking to him for a full two hours, right?
I made my way up the stairs and knocked on his bedroom door. “Rafael? Are you still on the phone?”
