I didn’t know how to answer that question. Why was this still happening? Why was Cody a permanent fixture in this awful nightmare that had plagued my sleep for the last four years?
I sat up and wiped the tears from my eyes. Cody reached for a glass of water, and I downed its contents.
“I need to get up,” I said.
“I’ll come with you,” Cody replied.
“No. Please, I just need some air—to take a breath.”
Cody was reluctant to let go of my arm. “Are you sure?”
I didn’t know what I needed at that moment, but I didn’t want Cody to worry. My arms wrapped around him as I planted a kiss on his cheek. “Yeah, angel. I promise I’m okay. You’re the best.”
That did the trick. Cody’s grasp on me loosened, but his hand didn’t fully disconnect until I was out of reach.
My eyes continued their adjustment to the darkness as I made my way to the bathroom. The cold water I splashed on my face was a welcome relief. I looked in the mirror at the dark figure before me. Even in the darkness, I could see the tension still etched in my face.
I had to figure out how to fix this. I didn’t want to push Cody away. What if it became too much for him?
Everything was okay with Cody and me. We’d fallen into a wonderful routine, and I was never happier. My angel slept beside me each night. We usually talked for hours before we fell asleep.
We hadn’t told the team about us yet, but Hank and Jill had gotten used to it. Things were great.
Why do I keep having this dream?
I dried my face with a towel and crept into my bedroom. The last drawer in my dresser had what I needed. I lifted a pair of pants to find the Smirnoff I had hidden next to a bottle of mouth freshener. Cody would worry if he smelled the vodka on my breath.
The harsh taste made goosebumps rise on my arms, and the hairs on my neck stood. A few more sips, and the storm in my brain would quiet down. Then, I could sleep again, and I wouldn’t wake up Cody.
“Rafael?”
Fuck! I found the cap and quickly put the bottle back in my drawer.
“Rafael, I can smell it. You’re drinking.”
I could feel my defenses rising as his presence loomed. “Yeah. It’s just a little sip to get back to sleep.”
Cody crouched next to me and put his arm on my shoulder. “Rafael, you shouldn’t need this to sleep through the night.”
“Well, I do,” I snapped. I shook my head, ashamed of my harsh tone. This was it. Cody would see the mess I am and bail.
“Baby. Let me hold you,” he said. “Please.”
The urge to collapse to the ground was palpable. Cody didn’t need this. He didn’t need my shit. He’d taken care of his mother for years; the last thing he needed was a mess of a boyfriend, too. “Cody, I’m okay. I just need to sort myself out. Then, I’ll come back to bed.” My hand found his, and I threaded our fingers together. “Why don’t you go back to bed. I’ll be in soon.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said.
“Cody—”
“No. I’m not going anywhere. Talk to me, Rafael. How often do you need to do this to sleep through the night?”
“Not often,” I lied. I didn’t know why I couldn’t talk about it. I wanted to be better so badly, but I just couldn’t bring myself to ask for help. The truth was that I had to drink to fall asleep often. Too often. But I also knew Cody hated alcohol, so what would he say if he knew that? “This was just a really bad dream. When I was back in Connecticut, finding liquor to quell me was a habit I’d developed. It’s a reflex that I need to break. That’s all. I wasn’t even thinking when I came here to do it. It’s like autopilot, you know?” Cody didn’t look convinced, and that made my heart pound in my chest.You’re gonna lose him.“Cody, I’m serious. I can fix this. Okay?”
He released a long, deep sigh. “Rafael, why don’t you want to talk to someone?”
“Because I don’t need to. I’m fine, Cody. I am.”
Talking about Mattie scared the hell out of me. I could barely handle hearing his name. How could I speak about what happened that day with a stranger? I’d fucking shatter and doing that in front of someone sounded like torture. I could fix it. I just needed to figure my shit out.
