I hadn’t even noticed that he rose from his chair, ran over, and wrapped his arms around me. “Rafael, that’s not awful. That makes a lot of sense.”
My arms wrapped around him and squeezed him tightly, afraid if I let go, he’d run because of what a fuck up I was. “It’s awful. You’re my guy, Cody. I should be so fucking happy, but I feel like shit. It’s just insane because what happened to you was so similar to what happened to him. He smacked his head off the boat because of the turbulent water. We capsized and I couldn’t find his body…”
My voice trailed off as the emotions took over. Fuck, I just couldn’t stop crying. It felt like I’d cried for the last twelve hours.
“Rafael, I can hardly imagine what you’re feeling, but I can assure you that whatever it is, it’s valid. What you’ve endured is traumatic.”
My eyes fluttered against his chest, and my sobs subsided. “I feel grateful and guilty. I feel both good and bad about feeling that way. I’m a mess.”
He kissed my head as he brushed his fingers through my hair. His caresses felt so good. My arms wrapped tighter, and I understood for the first time how much his touch grounded me. He was my everything.
“Rafael, have you ever talked to someone about this?” he asked.
When I took a year off from school, my folks put me on a combination of medications. I’d spoken to psychopharmacologists, and the result was always a new cocktail of drugs. By the time I was sixteen, I’d stopped taking them because I didn’t feel good, and the side effects were too much to handle. “I’ve taken stuff,” I replied. “Nothing ever really helped.”
“That’s not the same as talking to someone,” Cody replied. “I mean like a therapist or a support group.”
While emotions were always big in the Sinclair home, discussing them was another story. “Not really. Just med doctors.”
Cody backed away. I looked up to see him staring at me with anger. I thought I’d done it. This was when he would lambast me for not taking care of my shit. I braced myself for the worst.
“You’re telling me you witnessed the loss of your brother in a boating accident, and your parents didn’t take you to a therapist?” he asked.
My gut coiled as Cody shook with fury. I didn’t want to push him away. I was so scared I was going to fuck up again. “I-I’m sorry…”
“What? No, Rafael, you were fourteen. You’re not supposed to figure out that situation. Your parents were. They are your par—”
Cody suddenly stopped talking. His eyes turned outward, staring off into the distance. It freaked me out. “Cody, are you okay?”
He shook his head, snapping himself back to reality. “S-sorry.” He swallowed, and his features softened. “Rafael, I am so sorry your parents didn’t help you more. That wasn’t right. You needed more than what they gave you. A lot more.”
I shrugged because I didn’t know how else to react.
“Have you ever considered talking to someone about it?” he asked.
I gave him my best Bambi eyes as I said, “Well, I’m talking to you about it.”
He huffed a little laugh and tightened his arm around me. “And I will always be here to listen, but I’m also not a professional. There are people out there who know how to help.”
Talking to someone about my emotions made me want to retch. I only became aware I had any the night before for fuck’s sake. “Not sure I want to do that. I-I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You gotta do what feels right for you, and I’m here for you, Rafael. Please believe me when I say that. You don’t have to hide things from me. You need to let me in.”
I held up my pinky. “I pinky promise we’ll let each other in and be all lovey dovey in between me hogtying you and using your ass.”
Cody rolled his eyes but still laughed. “So romantic.” He wrapped his pinky around mine. “Deal.” We shook our pinkies, then Cody asked, “So, hogtied, huh? When might that be happening?”
He waggled his brows, and my heart skipped a beat.Damn, I found a good one.
Chapter 36
Cody
After breakfast, we decided to go for a little hike in the woods. I had a plan to make things, shall we say, a little more interesting. I wanted to help Rafael clear his mind. What better way to do that than rough sex in the woods?
Rafael was still a little rattled by it all. I think our conversation also made him think about things he may have known but didn’t want to know. I’ll be candid, I had to school my features when Rafael told me about his parents doing absolutely nothing for him after Mattie died. He’d already gone through so much in his life, and it had been especially chaotic for the past twenty-four hours. The last thing he needed was me railing on and on about how his parents were two big morons.
A conversation with Hank was definitely in my not-so-distant future. I’ve always known that Hank felt guilty for how things transpired between him and Rafael. Allowing Rafael to live with us gave Hank the chance to reconcile with Rafael. However, I hadn’t seen him do a whole hell of a lot other than suggesting trips to the rink.
