5
Chapter Five - Olivia
The morning came too quickly for Olivia, her sleep light and restless. As she lay in her bed, the pre-dawn silence of the desert outside her window was a stark contrast to the turmoil brewing inside her. Today's schedule included an array of activities that, while meant to be rejuvenating, felt daunting to Olivia. She dreaded the exposure, the group interactions, and the expected participation that seemed to demand a version of herself she wasn't sure existed. The one part she was looking forward to was watching the sunrise with Emma.
With a deep breath, Olivia pushed herself out of bed, the coolness of the morning air a small comfort against her warming skin. As she dressed in lightweight, breathable attire and braided her hair back from her face, her mind raced with apprehensions about the day ahead.
Just as she finished her hair there was a knock at the door. Emma was beautiful in the dim light blue eyes, sparkling hair, long wavy brown push behind her ears. Olivia's heart jumped at the sight of her. She barely knew Emma, but something abouther was having such an effect. Olivia felt excited yet calmed by Emma's presence.
“Good morning sleepyhead,” Emma said smiling, a good nature grin. “I wasn't sure if you would be up this early.”
“I never miss an appointment” Olivia responded. If nothing else, Olivia was detail oriented.
“Yeah, you look the type,” Emma said smiling widely.
“What's that supposed to mean?” Olivia said, worried for a second that Emma was mocking her.
Emma reached and touched her arm and the touch of her strong fingers was warm and Electric. “Hey,” she said meeting Olivia’s gaze. “I am happy you are here.”
Olivia about herself flush deep inside. “Thanks,” she stuttered. “I appreciate you offering to do this.”
“It’s nothing,” Emma replied, “Sunrise is my favorite time of day.”
Olivia followed Emma's lead as they headed to a good viewing spot on top of a sand dune and Emma kicked off her sliders and sat down. Her legs were long and tan in her denim shorts.
“So what kind of doctor are you?” Emma asked looking up at her with these sparkling blue eyes that were as wide and welcoming as the ocean.
Olivia carefully sat down in the sand next to Emma and noticed the sky beginning to turn red and gold as the sun began to rise. It was breathtaking.
“I'm a surgeon. General. Specializing in trauma. My whole family are surgeons.”
“Do you enjoy being a surgeon?” Emma asked, and there was a peace to the moment and a curiosity to the question that made Olivia feel like it was the first time anyone had ever asked her.
“God, you know, I'm not sure anyone has ever asked me that before.” Olivia thought for a moment.
“I don’t know. I’m good at it. I save lives. Surely that is enough?”
“Is it?” Emma looked directly at her and saw straight through her.
“I just don’t know anymore,” Olivia said. “Maybe that is why I am here.”
The sky was a kaleidoscope of red, orange and yellow over the desert. It felt like it was the first time she had ever seen a sunrise. “Oh wow,” said Olivia “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.”
Emma smiled and squeezed her hand. “I thought you might like it,” she said.
Breakfast was a quiet affair for Olivia. Emma had dropped her off at the pavilion and gone to prep and work for the day. Olivia sat slightly away from the cheerful chatter of other guests. She picked at her food, her stomach tight with anxiety. The sunrise with Emma has been peaceful and beautiful, but her anxiety had crept back unbidden. The activities planned for today included a guided nature walk through the desert, a group painting session outdoors, and a meditation circle, all designed to promote connection with nature and inner peace. For others, these might sound healing, but for Olivia, they represented a series of challenges, each pushing her out of her already uncomfortable comfort zone.
Walking to the first activity, the nature walk, Olivia felt the sun begin its climb higher into the sky, the temperature rising with it, mirroring the heat that flushed her cheeks. She joined the rest of the group, standing at the back, where the guide was already discussing the local flora and fauna with enthusiasmthat Olivia found both infectious and slightly irritating.How can everyone seem so engaged and happy?She felt even more isolated with her internal struggles.
As they walked, the guide encouraged everyone to touch the rough bark of a Joshua tree and to smell the sharp scent of crushed sage leaves. Olivia hung back, observing but not participating. Her mind was elsewhere, filled with a barrage of self-critical thoughts.You’re just going through the motions, Olivia. You’re not really here, not like them.
When the guide handed out sketchbooks for the next activity, encouraging everyone to draw what they felt or saw, Olivia’s discomfort peaked. She stared at the blank page, the white expanse somehow daunting. Around her, others began to sketch enthusiastically, their faces alight with creativity and pleasure. Olivia’s hand hovered over the page, her heart rate quickening.I can't do this. I don’t belong here.
She was about to close her sketchbook and excuse herself when she felt a presence beside her. Turning slightly, she saw Emma, who had suddenly appeared. Emma’s smile was understanding without needing an explanation. Her hair was tied up in a messy bun now and her warm blue eyes with just the tonic that Olivia needed.
“Hey,” Emma said softly, sitting casually beside Olivia on the small boulder they had stopped near. “It’s okay to just watch, you know. Or to draw a squiggle. Or even just to close the book and enjoy the sun. This is your time, Olivia. There’s no right way to do it, except your way.”
Olivia looked at Emma. She was taller than Olivia and had an athletic presence. Long lean finely muscle legs that Olivia kept feeling her eyes drawn to.
