“Yeah. And they had a box of dust, and they went into the forest near where they live and emptied the dust at the base of a tree. Then there was a party and lots of people came and they had Daddy’s favourite music and lots of pictures of him, and everyone was nice to everyone else, especially to Cami.”
Right. “They often call those parties a Celebration of Life,” Kim says. “It’s so that the dead person’s friends and family can talk about all the good things they remember about the person, and hear other people’s stories.”
“It was in a hall,” Bella says. “Not at Cami’s house. She says Danika has put a sign in the ground where they tipped the dust so that people can see that Daddy is there now. Cami went to see it once.” She looks up at Kim with damp eyes. “We didn’t get to go.”
“That’s because Danika and Cami didn’t know about us then. So they couldn’t invite us.”
“But we didn’t do anything like that.” Bella’s lower lip trembles. “So we don’t have a special place where Daddy is.”
Kim has thought about this too. What to do, who to tell. How to formally mourn someone who never officiallywas.
Once she knew for certain Chris was dead, after she confronted Danika on the doorstep, and after she told Bella, she’d contacted friends and family and simply said that Chris had been killed in a car accident in difficult circumstances, and while she appreciated their condolences, there would be no memorial, because there were no ashes.
Most people had expressed their sorrow, offered help, and then shied away from the subject, no doubt wondering what those “difficult circumstances” were. They probably searched the internet—Kim is well aware of human curiosity—but they would have found nothing.
Now she sees, she should have done something with Bella. Closure for her.
“You’re right,” she tells Bella. “It was hard at first, as we didn’t know what had happened to him. But now we do, we should have a special ceremony for Daddy. And we will. What do you think we should do?”
It will be hard. Kim feels she’s done her mourning, moved from grief to a hard anger at Chris’s duplicity, and then to acceptance. Danika is part of that, of course. The big part. And now, she and Danika are building something together. She doesn’t have a name for it, but she nourishes an unfurling hope that this will be good: for her, for Danika, for Bella and Cami.
“We get dressed in nice clothes, and we eat Daddy’s favourite food, and we look at pictures of him, and we talk about how we loved him.”
Kim notes the past tense. “It’s okay to say you still love him, if you want. Just because someone has gone, you can still love them.”
Bella nods. “Then we find somewhere special to put the dust. And we get a sign.”
Dust. Right. “The dust is called ashes. And it’s what’s left over after a person has died. So Daddy’s ashes are now at thebase of the tree in the forest. We can’t get more. But we can get something else that reminds us of Daddy and leave that somewhere special.”
“Daddy loved Johanna Beach.”
Oh no. Not there.Although Bella’s right, and it was Chris’s special place, but now it’s firmly linked with Danika. Danika’s kisses. Danika and what they’re growing between them, and to make it Chris’s final place for her and Bella seems…wrong.
“We can’t leave anything in the national park,” she says, which is true.
Bella sucks her lips. “The beach here, then. St Kilda.”
“We can do that.” Maybe they can scatter something environmentally safe into the sea from the breakwater. Earth, sand, something that won’t harm the marine environment.
“Then we come back here and talk about Daddy.”
It’s the last thing Kim wants to do. She’s made her peace with Chris, and revisiting it will likely stir up her anger, not her love. But she will do this for Bella.
“Who do you want to invite?”
“Cami and Danika,” Bella says confidently. “And Jorie and Suze, because Jorie’s my best friend.”
“Okay. Anyone else? From school or soccer?”
“No. Would Granny and Grandpa come?”
“I don’t know,” Kim temporises. “It’s a long way.” And that would mean she has to tell them everything, which is something she still hasn’t done.
“Then Cami’s Granny and Gramps.”
Shirley and Paul? They will come, Kim thinks, and will treat the occasion with the reverence Bella expects. “We can ask them.”
She looks down at Bella, at her solemn small face. The dried tears on her cheeks. Kim should have suggested this. Asked Bella what she wanted. Helped her to move past the limbo of notknowing. It will still take time for her daughter, but Kim has all the time in the world for her.
