And then, before I can say another word, I start to sob.
Thirty-One
Marcus
What the hell justhappened?
I shake my head, completely puzzled by her reaction. I mean, up until a few minutes ago I really thought that we were on the same page – I really thought that we were both enjoying this. And I’dneverwant to do anything to upset her.
Dammit. I’m such a fucking idiot. I must have pushed things too far, too fast. I must have let myself get carried away.
But how was I to know?
I sigh in frustration, rubbing my face with my hands.
I should have taken things easier with her.
I quickly jump out of bed and head over to the bathroom, gingerly trying the handle, but it’s locked.
“Jennifer?” I call through. “Jennifer?”
She doesn’t answer me. But I can hear her sobbing from inside the room – sobbing so hard it sounds like I’vereallyhurt her – and again I curse myself at going too far.
“Listen, can I speak to you?” I say gently. “Please? I’m sorry I went too far, I realize that now. I meant what I said, Jennifer. I’dneverdo anything to hurt you – not in that way. I guess I just took things to far. Let’s talk about this. Please ...”
There’s a pause, and I finally hear her crying stop and then the faucet turning on. A moment later, the door mechanism clicks as she pushes open the door, her face streaked with tears.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, the moment I can see her. “Please believe me.”
“It’s okay,” she replies with a sad smile, stepping back into the bedroom. “It’s not just you. It’s me, too. I guess there’s a few things I haven’t told you.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, puzzled, taking her hand and leading her back towards the bed.
Luckily she doesn’t push me away, even though I fucking deserve it, and before long we’ve climbed back under the covers, holding each other in a tender embrace.
I don’t push things; I just wait for her to speak – to tell me whatever it is that seems so damn hard for her to say out loud. I watch her sigh, as she struggles for the right words, and I wait, remaining patiently silent. And then, all of a sudden, she starts to speak.
“I’m sorry I ran away like that,” she begins. “I guess I just got scared. But I need you to know that it’s notyouI’m scared of. It’s more about things from my past. I’ve been enjoying these things, these new experiences, Marcus, but I guess they’ve triggered a few uncomfortable memories too ...”
And as she begins to tell me all about her Mom’s abusive boyfriend, and how he sometimes took it out onhertoo, even though she was just an innocent little kid, I feel a rising mixture of rage and sadness – rage at this asshole who spoiled the life of a young girl, and sadness that it’s obviously affected her so deeply, and that up until now it seems like she’s had nobody to turn to, nobody to talk to about these things.
And I guess it makes me think aboutmydad too – those irrational rages he could fly into at the drop of a hat, always taking it out on whoever was nearest. Yes, I know just what she’s feeling – that horrible pain and anger and sadness and fear.
“I’m sorry too, Jennifer,” I say once she’s finished speaking. “I really should have asked if what I was doing was okay. I know I went too far. I can see that now. But you need to believe me, thelastthing in the world I want to do is hurt you. In fact, I don’t think you have any idea just how much I’ve come to feel for you in just this short time we’ve been together. So much more than I ever expected I could feel for anybody. You’ve become very dear to me, Jennifer. You do something to me – I can’t explain it. But I’ve found myself having the strangest thoughts, thoughts I’ve never had before ...”
I tail off, again wondering if I’ve gone too far – bared too much of myself to her.
I mean, I have no idea if she even feels the same way, and I don’t want to scare her off – especially when I’ve just got her back again.
I wait for her to reply, but instead she just snuggles into me, resting her head on my chest, and like that, holding each other tenderly in the darkness of my bedroom, we slowly fall asleep.
Thirty-Two
Jennifer
Strange thoughts?
What did he mean by that?
