But something was still off.
Their clothes were disheveled. I couldn’t get either of them to meet my eyes. It was as if they were hiding something from me.
“What’s the matter?” I asked, not knowing whether I wanted to know the answer or not.
“I think we all need to sit and have a serious conversation before this goes anywhere else,” Ryosuke explained. I crossed my arms protectively over my chest because I suddenly felt too exposed. It didn’t matter that both of these men had seen me at my most vulnerable.
They entered my apartment, kicking off their shoes. I rushed to the kitchen to grab them something to drink. I didn’t have much, but came back with three frosty bottles of Sapporo that I kept just in case. I didn’t care to drink by myself.
We all squeezed onto my tiny sofa as I handed each man a beer, taking a sip of mine, feeling like I’d need the alcohol to handle what was about to be tossed at me.
The silence between us stretched on. It made me more and more anxious. My heart thundered in my throat and I wanted to get sick as I took another swig of my beer. It had to be bad if they weren’t outright saying it.
“What are we?”
Ryosuke’s question hung heavy in the air, and it did nothing to ease the turmoil in my stomach that the beer was doing nothing to help. It didn’t stop me from taking another long drink before setting my bottle on the small table in front of us.
“What do you mean?” I asked, my hands shaking as I thought about how I wanted this conversation to go. It needed to happen, but maybe not after riding the high of a really great show.
Yasu and Ryosuke looked at each other—my stomach sank. Was this the moment they told me I wasn’t needed? I was just someone who got in the way of what they wanted with each other? It was great that I’d brought the two of them together, but I wanted so much more with them than to be the facilitator.
“Itsu-chan. You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember. We’ve already talked about how I never pursued you because I didn’t want to fuck up what we had.”
I nodded as Yasu talked, reaching across Ryosuke to take my hand. Dear God, I was a trembling mess because I would shatter if he said that I wasn’t who he wanted after all. Maybe he’d been right in avoiding it all that time because it wasn’t worth it in the end. I’d rather have him as my best friend than have him as nothing at all.
“This was a giant leap, not only to accept my feelings for you, but to bring a third person into the picture as well...” Yasu kept explaining.
My eyes burned because none of it was reassuring.
It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. What I wanted was for him to sit there and say that I was the love of his life and so was Ryosuke, and that no matter what, we’d find a way to make it work. Sure, none of it made sense because until I’d dragged him along, Yasu had hated Ryosuke, but it was nice to see the two of them becoming so close.
“Itsu?”
I blinked my eyes rapidly, fighting back the tears as I looked at Ryosuke, who had a frown marring that beautiful face of his.
“Yeah?” God, I sounded so dang pathetic as my voice cracked when I answered him.
“What do you think is happening here?” Ryosuke laid his hand on top of Yasu, making our hands the perfect little warm sandwich, and for the first time since they’d entered my home, a sense of peace washed over me.
But I was doing them a disservice by not being honest with my feelings.
“You want out. The two of you found each other, and while we had our fun... I don’t need to be in the picture.” My voice hitched at the end as a tear streaked its way down my cheek. I was strong, but maybe not that strong.
What I wasn’t expecting was for the soft laugh that fell from Ryosuke’s lips before he leaned forward, kissing the tear away.
“Oh, sweet princess. That’s the last thing you need to worry about. However, I do want to be very clear that Yasu and I have had sex without you present, and it didn’t seem fair to not let you know about it.”
Was that all this was? Because if they were truly just coming to me to let me know that, it made me feel a lot better about things. I wanted to trust them because that was how things like this worked. There would probably always be a slight edge of insecurity there, but most people felt that in any kind of relationship.
I felt silly as I used my free hand to wipe away the tears that had been about to fall. What the heck was I supposed to think?
“So you’re not leaving me behind?”
Ryosuke laughed. “No, princess. That’s the last thing we want to do. If this is a relationship, then we need to be honest with each other, and if you don’t want us doing things on our own, then that won’t happen again.”
Did it bother me that they had sex without me? Not really. It was healthy that we all formed our own forms of intimacy with each other. As long as we all got the opportunity, there wasn’t a problem with it at all.
“I want that.” I blurted without even thinking about it. “A relationship that is. If you both are okay with it. The idea of being attached to both of you would make me so dang happy.”
