He shifts, moving to sit a little closer to me.
‘I still don’t really understand what happened last night after we kissed. And I would… like to.’
I clear my throat and direct my eyes to my shoes. It’s suddenly hard to look at him.
‘I’m sorry,’ I admit.
‘You don’t need to apologise to me,’ he says firmly. ‘I just want to see things from your perspective.’
I sigh. ‘I don’t know if I can even explain it, Elliot. It’s all buried in years and years of programming. I just couldn’t andwouldn’tbelieve that someone like you was interested in me that way. I’ve spent my whole life convincing myself that something like this shouldn’t be possible because there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. Like I’m a faulty car or something. I find it hard to believe someone mightactuallylike me. I think that was what I panicked about yesterday: when you said you shouldn’t have kissed me, I assumed that you got caught up in the atmosphere and the moment and you realised that you’d rather be kissing someone else.’
‘Christ.’ He rubs his hands across his face, his expression ravaged. ‘I’m sorry, Nora. That’s not even close to what happened. Truthfully, I was thinking very much the opposite… I was just paranoid I’d crossed a line.’
‘I know. And I kicked back a little too hard in response because I felt rejected. All of this probably could have been avoided if I wasn’t used to protecting myself so much.’ I try to laugh light-heartedly but it comes out bitter. I cast him a nervous glance. ‘It’s just hard to open yourself up to the hurt and the heartbreak and the shit that comes with liking somebody, you know?’
‘Making yourself vulnerable.’ He nods. ‘It sucks.’
‘Yeah, it really does.’
‘But it’s worth it.’ And his voice leaves no room for argument. ‘Even with everything that happened with Rachel, I would do it all again. That relationship made me who I am. How it ended was painful; it wasawful. But I would never undo the time we spent together. I could nevereraseher. Taking the risk… it will always be worth it for me. Kind of why I asked you out in the first place, even if you didn’t pick up on it happening.’
I flash him a smile. ‘I’m glad you did ask.’
‘So am I. And I’m very glad you texted me. And then pounced on me.’
I grimace. ‘Pounced is a horrible word. Very predator-like. Could we settle on ‘leapt upon’?’
‘Sure, princess,’ he says with that maddening sly look I’m obsessed with. ‘But it was ballsy. More ballsy than I am. Thank goodness one of us is brave.’
‘I’m not sure it was that brave,’ I admit. ‘I have a bit of a confession. While we’re being honest.’
His eyebrows rise a notch.
‘I saw what you wrote on your post-it,’ I say sheepishly. ‘I’m so sorry, I know it was supposed to be a private thing but I ended up seeing it and I had to tell you.’
‘Oh.’ The word lies there as he nods in understanding.
‘I really am sorry,’ I reiterate, my shoulders going up to my ears.
His face suddenly breaks into a grin, his sharp gaze landing back on me. ‘So that’s why you came back.’
‘A little,’ I reply, my voice quiet.
‘If it gave you the confidence to do so… I’m happy, honestly,’ he says with a shrug.
I nudge my shoulder against his. ‘Maybe it was worth writing what you really wanted on a post-it after all?’
He leans into my shoulder, and it feels like his eyes are feasting on me. ‘Maybe.’
I break the eye contact and find myself staring at my shoes again. I brush a leaf away that’s tied up in my shoelaces.
‘Elliot,’ I prompt.
‘What’s up?’ he replies, his voice a little higher. He must sense my nervousness.
‘Just as a warning. The whole idea of… this,’ I murmur, gesturing between us. ‘You know, romance. Us. The idea of being liked in that way. It might take me a while to get used to.’
He grabs my hand and tucks it into his own. ‘That’s okay.’
