What are you doing what are you doing what are you doing
The thought circles around my brain on repeat. For now, I concentrate on breathing in, filling my lungs to capacity, then releasing my breath through my nose.
What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
If I’m being realistic, I know how bad this idea is. Recklessly throwing myself into a situation that is likely to trigger a panic attack is something I would never normally do. I doubt my therapist would condone this level of exposure. Exposure therapy is meant to be gradual and controlled, which this most certainly is not. My family wouldn’t condone it, Hennie wouldn’t. Heck, even Elliot doesn’t.
Oh, shit. Hennie.
I scramble to send her a message.
if you’re on your way back to the lakes I am so sorry, I’m not there anymore
I left
I am doing something stupid
Her reply is immediate.
shut up wait
are you going to tell him you love him???
OMG YES GO NORA GO
Now now
I do not love him I have known the man for three days
But I am going to try to be honest, that sort of thing
Wish me luck?? That he doesn’t laugh in my face
he’s NOT going to laugh in your face
not if he wants to live anyway
GOOD LUCK !!!!
I LOVE YOU
WOOOOOOOOO
I bite down a grin as I push my phone back into my pocket, and when I look up, the monstrosity that is the Firecrest Stage is looming over a colossal crowd. Five men in matching blue outfits move around the stage in sync, belting into microphones. The music thumps through the speakers, reverberating in the centre of my chest. I watch as fists and open hands bounce in the air over the heads of thousands.
A wave of dizziness nearly knocks me off my feet until I catch myself.
Taking a breath, I walk directly into the mouth of the crowd and let it swallow me whole.
41
On reflection, I’ve been very smart avoiding this up until now. Being in this crowd is like being in a physical fight. I’ve never been in contact with so many limbs in my life.
Sweaty, energetic, aggressivelimbs. Arms, knees and hands brush up against me. Swaying me to the side, nearly knocking me over. Elbows of excited dancers crack against my temple.
I’ve uttered ‘sorry’ under my breath to so many people that it doesn’t sound like a real word anymore. I imagine Elliot pushing his way out of this enormous crowd to get to me, and guilt swirls in my gut.
The crowd was thin around the edges but the further I’ve moved in, the denser it has become. It’s not long before I’m stumbling over peoples’ feet and bags sitting on the ground.
