Aspen pulled out the first article, and Charlie took the rest of the stack.
Noah had painstakingly highlighted every line that felt like him or that he related to. While they both began reading, he replayed Aspen’s laugh and them saying “that totally describes you” in their overly sincere way. That seemed like a good sign, right? Charlie wasn’t showing any signs of being upset, and Aspen’s words had sounded accepting.
“Aha. I knew I would find it eventually,” Charlie said, and Noah lost the fight against his anxiety.
He found what? The reason he and Noah weren’t going to work? Proof he should just take Aspen and run, because they both wanted and deserved someone who would romantically love them to their alloromantic-hearts' content?
“Wh-what?” Noah whispered.
Without looking away from their article, Aspen reached out their hand for him. When he didn’t immediately take it, because his arms felt heavy and numb, they began flapping their hand up and down. Noah just barely managed to lift his hand in the air, and Aspen snatched it up. They squeezed his hand roughly, painfully pressing his knuckles together, but at least it stopped his hand from shaking.
“Peanut, come closer,” Charlie said, not reaching out, but tilting his head at the middle seat. “I can’t rub your neck when you’re so far away.”
Noah could barely breathe. There was no way he was going anywhere. “What did you find?”
Charlie gazed at him steadily before banding an arm around Aspen to hold them against his chest. He scooted them both across the couch until he was pressing his entire leg and side against Noah. Before Noah could sink against him, Charlie reached up and gripped the back of Noah’s neck.
“Better?” he asked, and Noah nodded jerkily. “Okay, good. As I was saying, I knew I’d find the Gordy Simple truth somewhere.”
He held up the original article on how to tell if love was romantic or not, and whether allo and aro folks could be happy together. Noah had circled the question and written “I would be.”
Aspen stared at the page before turning to Noah, jiggling their joined hands up and down. “Alright, babe, let me make sure I got this right. You’re polyamorous, reciprosexual, queer, and greyromantic, and you want to be in a romantic-ish relationship with…me? Us?”
“B-both of you,” Noah stammered, that knot of emotions sitting high in his throat. “I want to be with both of you. Just like we’ve been doing, which for me is spending time with my best friend and my forever friend, having amazing sex, doing fun things together, and…and I want to keep doing that, for as long as you both want. Butonlyif you both want to be with me, which includes all my family baggage and my particular kind of aroace-ness.”
Aspen tipped their head back against Charlie’s chest and stared at Noah. “Do you think this is why your past relationships didn’t work out? And why you wanted to do the trial relationship?”
Noah swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Yeah, I think so. I think my exes and my parents have always wanted me to be in these cookie-cutter romantic relationships, and I just don’t want that. I want relationships, but I want them to be platonic, or sexual, or sexual and romantic-ish. Just…not the typical romantic relationship with all the…”
Noah waved his free hand in the air.
“Expectations your family and society put on romantic relationships?” Aspen offered.
“Stuff,” Charlie said, pulling from their November conversation, just as Aspen had somehow remembered their talk in August.
Tears burned at the backs of Noah’s eyes. He thought he’d come so far during the past few weeks, and he’d grown exponentially since the fall and the start of their trial relationship. Did the fact that his answers hadn’t changed mean he hadn’t made any progress at all?
“I think that makes total sense, babe. Honestly, it sounds pretty perfect to me, too. I don’t want conventional, or heteronormative, or anything that other people expect from us. I just want to be happy, and both of you, as well as Rachel and all our friends, make me happy.”
Charlie nodded. “There’s not a lot about me or my life that is conventional or what other people expect from me. I can definitely get behind doing whatever makes us happy. Typical expectations and titles be damned.”
A tiny part of Noah wanted to celebrate. He wanted to pump his fist in the air and yell so loud his mom would hear him all the way back home. Maybe he could really do this whole romantic-ish relationship thing, with the two people he loved most in the world.
Too bad the fear and anxiety churning in his chest drowned out that tiny part. “You’re sure I wouldn’t be…neglecting you or anything? You aren’t looking for romance and romantic love?”
Aspen tangled their legs up with Noah’s. “I am looking for some aspects of romance–like sweet words, loving gestures, and quality time. But I get that and more from you already. If I want any of the other romantic stuff, I can–” They turned to look at Charlie, who nodded. “I can get it from Charlie. That’s how polyamory works, right? Getting your needs met by multiple partners, and meeting the needs in different ways for different people?”
This all seemed way too easy. Maybe it needed more time to sink in, or maybe they just weren’t responding emotionally because they were still parsing through their feelings. He couldfeel his mom’s skepticism surrounding him like a dark fog, but that tiny voice in his head piped up again.
Charlie was usually pretty up front with his feelings, and he seemed genuinely okay with Noah’s news. Aspen also wasn’t good at hiding or delaying their feelings. If they were having a strong reaction, Noah would be able to tell.
Aspen squeezed his hand again. “You look exhausted, babe. We can talk more in the morning or over the next week. I feel like the trial deadline doesn’t really matter anymore, but we were already planning on having more conversations this week, so why don’t we save any more worrying or discussing for later?”
Noah wanted to argue he was fine, that it was better to get it all over and done with now, but he really was tired. He felt like he’d been carrying a heavy backpack up a mountainside for months, and he was only just now able to set it down. He’d have to pick it back up again soon, because the climb wasn’t over yet, but for tonight, he allowed Aspen and Charlie to take him to bed, undressing him and redressing him in his new pajamas. He truly wanted to believe everything could be as simple as Charlie always said it could be.
Unfortunately, his phone vibrating on his nightstand the next morning brought that into question. He checked the screen and saw it was 6am, and it was his mom calling, which figured, because she was the only person who ever called that early.
He considered not answering, but she would just keep calling, and he didn’t want it to wake the others. He stumbled out of bed and into the living room, wrapping the baby cupid blanket from the couch around his shoulders.
