Noah lowered his head, placing soft kisses along the crest of Aspen’s cheeks before capturing their mouth in a gentle kiss. “That’s okay. There’s no rush.”
Wasn’t there? Aspen had been in a rush since the second they spoke those two words out loud to Ethan. It felt like they hadsuch a small window to declare everything about themself, their body, and their gender, in order to determine if it made them compatible with other people’s expectations and desires of them.
Would Noah still want them if they called their chest something else? Would he still be interested in them if they wanted to top? What if they wanted to bottom?
Shit, maybe they should have talked more before jumping into intoxicating kisses that made their head go blissfully, yet uselessly quiet.
“Noah,” they said to the ceiling. Noah pushed up onto his hands, so he was hovering right over Aspen’s face. “Do you only top?”
Noah ran his lips along Aspen’s forehead. “I prefer to top, but I enjoy anal from time to time. I’m very happy to teach you all about straps. I can’t guarantee you’ll get to use them on me, but I’ll make sure you’re plenty educated on it before your next partner.”
That little butterfly quivered under Aspen’s heart. “Wait, that’s…not going to be you?”
Noah sat up, and Aspen propped themself up on one arm.
“I don’t know, Asp. I… I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and dating since I got back from my parents' house, and… I don’t really know what I want right now.”
Shit, that was right. Outside of the car ride from Ethan’s house, they’d only talked about Noah’s visit home once. Apparently, the visit had been an all-around shitty time, which was sadly pretty standard for Noah’s family, but this time had somehow been even worse. Noah hadn’t been able to put it into words. He’d just mumbled about unrealistic expectations and crushing weight, but there had been something different in the curve of his shoulders and the tilt of his lips. That trip had broken something in him, and Aspen wasn’t sure how to fix it.
And then here came Aspen, with all their own unreasonable hopes and expectations.
“Oh shit, Noah, I’m so sorry?—”
“Hey,” Noah said, cupping Aspen’s cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You opened the door, and I stepped through it, very willingly and fully consenting.”
“But,” Aspen said, sitting up further until they were face to face again. “You said you didn’t know what things would look like between us, and I was already going off, making assumptions and putting expectations on you. That’s the last thing I want to do after your?—”
Noah pressed their lips together, effectively silencing Aspen and their swirling thoughts.
“Hmm,” Noah said, a smile dancing on his lips as he pulled back. “This could be quite useful.”
Aspen was torn between pushing the conversation further and going back to kissing. They somehow split the difference and ended up sticking out their tongue.
Noah laughed and, seemingly unbothered, sucked Aspen’s tongue into his mouth.
Aspen squawked, batting at Noah’s shoulder until he let go. “Wow,” they said, rolling their eyes at Noah’s satisfied grin. “This is honestly not what I was expecting.”
There they went with their expectations again.
“What do you mean?” Noah asked, picking up one of Aspen’s hands to play with their fingers. All of this felt so normal, and yet, somehow different, like everything was brighter and the sensations were sharper.
“You’re kind of serious a lot of the time. Or maybe not serious, more like calm and collected,” they mused. “I figured we’d have a respectful talk and then an official launch to whatever it is we’re doing. Instead, you’re so…playful.”
Noah nodded slowly. “I think that’s part of why I don’t know if I should date right now. No matter how ridiculous it sounds to be figuring myself out at 32, I am. I’m still trying to solidify who I am on my own, let alone with another person.”
“That’s not ridiculous,” Aspen said firmly, because it really wasn’t. The belief that someone had to figure themselves out by a specific age sounded like the kind of bullshit both of their parents would spout.
Besides, Aspen understood the importance of taking time to figure oneself out. They’d spent the past year doing so. If they were having this conversation with anyone but Noah, they probably wouldn’t want to pursue something right now, either. But Noah was different… At least for them, it felt different. Maybe Noah didn’t feel that way, though.
Maybe Aspen still wasn’t enough to be worth trying for.
Aspen shook their head, trying to dispel the thought that once again sounded like some shit their parents would say. It was completely fair for Noah to take time to focus on himself, Aspen knew that.
Even if it felt like their little butterfly had sprouted razor wings and was slowly carving up their heart.
“If that changes your mind about doing more than kissing, I understand,” Noah said softly.
Did it? No, not at all. Should it? Probably, but since when did Aspen do what they were supposed to do?
