She waits until after I’ve moved my pawn to respond.“You’re hardheaded. Did you even read my letter?”she asks as she moves one of her bishops.
“Oh, I read it.”Multiple times. I’ve pored over the words in my head repeatedly, and I know what she’s about to say, but she can’t undo my perception with the flick of her pen.
“Yet you’re still denying yourself things that could bring you joy. Hence, you’re hardheaded.”
“Ah, well, I never denied that,”I confess.
She stares me down, silently capturing one of my rooks.“What would make you worthy in your eyes? What would you have to do?”
I rub my hand over my beard, unsure of what to say.“I honestly don’t know.”
“Well, maybe you should figure that out instead of just accepting that you’ll never reach this imaginary mountaintop.”
She knows I don’t have a rebuttal for that, so she continues with the game as if she didn’t say a word.“Check,”she calls, making me retreat with my king.
“Why did you have to keep it a secret from us?”
She twists her lips to the side, her eyes looking down at the board.“I don’t think I should answer that.”
“Why not?”
She looks up to lock eyes with me.“It won’t give you any peace. You’ll just be wondering if that’s my real answer or just what you wanted me to say because you’re dreaming.”
At least I know myself well enough to know that.“Fair.”I pause, taking a moment to absorb having her in my presence. There are so many things I want to say to her, and yet there’s only one question that seems worth asking.“Are you happy now?”
An aura of serenity glows around her as she puts her hand on top of mine.“I’m very happy.”She reaches over to dab my eye, her fingers now damp with tears I didn’t even realize had welled up.
“Good,”I say.
We keep talking, laughing over me trying to get afterlife secrets out of her, until it’s clear I stand no chance of winning. I try one last-ditch effort to keep myself in the game and keep this dream from ending, but she looks at me with resolve in her eyes.
“Micah-Angelo”—she pulls out the cheesy nickname she gave me after we met—“I think our time is up.”
“Will I see you again?”
She shrugs her shoulders and winks.“It’s your mind. You tell me.”She makes her winning move.“Checkmate.”
Slowly, I pull my eyelids apart and greet the darkness of my room. I can’t believe I can’t even beat Tanya in chess in my dreams.
I touch my face to make sure I’m really awake. Sitting up, I rub my arm across my bare chest. All I can hear are Tanya’s words over and over again.What would make you worthy in your eyes?I wish I had an answer for that. I’ve done my best to not repeat the mistakes of my past, but that doesn’t mean they don’t still haunt my future.
All I can do is strive to be a better man now. As if knowing I needed a reminder of my progress, my phone starts ringing with a call from Tavion’s school.
“Hello?”
A demure voice responds. “Hi, Mr. Wright. We’ve had an incident here at the school and need Tavion to be picked up, but we’re unable to reach his mom.”
I’m the second emergency contact for my godson when his mom, Samantha, is busy.
“I’m on my way,” I rush to say before hanging up.
Sammy was the girlfriend of my childhood best friend, Taron, and the mother of his child. We were only eighteen and Tavion was just a newborn when Taron was gunned down during a drive-by. They were aiming for a guy we used to hoop with who lived nearby. They got him, and if it hadn’t been for Taron, they might’ve gotten me too.
Taron clocked the shooters seconds before everything happened and he knocked me to the ground.
I didn’t even see him get hit. All I know is that when it was over, I got up and Taron didn’t. I tried to stop the bleeding, but there was so much of it, coming from too many different places. By the time the ambulance got to us, I knew he was gone. And while I have a good relationship with Sammy and Tavion now, those first four years of his life were rough.
I was supposed to be his godfather, but I couldn’t look at Tavion’s face knowing I was part of the reason he’d never know his dad. So, I ran. I went to school an hour away at Bowie State University, which is far when you have to rely on public transportation, and I used any excuse in the book to stay away.
