“You don’t wanna be like Amerie.”
Again, not a question. A cold, hard fact lingering in the air, slapping me in the face.
“Well, why is that?”
Amerie has a habit of lashing out at the people who care about her, isolating herself from us. Sometimes I think the walls I’ve put up to protect myself from outsiders keep the people I want in out as well. I don’t want to isolate myself from them. I don’t want to become unlikable. “I don’t want the seeds of my unhappiness to plant themselves in my relationships.”
Maybe that’s why I can’t bring myself to give up on Ri. I don’t want to believe she’s too far gone, because what does that mean for me?
Dr. Goode considers my words. “I have a challenge for you.”
“Should I choose to accept.”
“Exactly. I want you to take yourself on a date.”
“Take myself on a date? Like dinner and a movie?”
“If that’s the type of date you like, sure. I want you to go out into the world and spend some time alone. Check in with yourself.”
“I feel like I spend plenty of time with myself,” I object.
She shakes her head. “You spend a lot of time with yourself when you’re overanalyzing everything you do. It’s great that you care about your loved ones and that you want to protect them from the walls you’vebuilt. But I don’t think you’ll be able to take those walls down until you feel safer with yourself.”
Well, damn. “So just go out alone? When do I have to do this by?”
She takes a sip of her tea to hide her smile. “Let’s call it an ongoing challenge. Things don’t have to be done perfectly the first time around. You can work your way up to it, however that looks for you. You love dancing, maybe try that in a new place where you don’t know anyone? Try something you’ve always wanted to try? Go somewhere you’ve always wanted to go?”
“You know I’m going straight home to Google ideas, don’t you?”
“I did think you might do that, yeah.”
Later that night, I’m lying in bed on my laptop, with Micah in my ear. I haven’t seen him in a couple of days because he’s been swamped trying to finish a commission. How I’ve gone from dreading being in a room with him to not being able to go twenty-four hours without hearing his voice, I’m not sure.
“What about a picnic?” Micah suggests.
“Mmm, nah.”
“A concert?”
“Nah.”
Poor Micah has been trying to help me plan my first solo date, and I’ve been rejecting all his ideas. None of these are speaking to me.
“What about a hike?”
I scrunch my nose. “You can’t see me, but I’m side-eyeing you.” I love to be outside in the sun, but I like to keep my encounters with nature very much sedentary.
“Ha, well, I’m fresh out of ideas, Storm.”
I can make out the faint sound of the bristles of his brush hitting a canvas. There’s a musicality to the way he paints. Each brushstroke sounds like precise chords in the song he’s composing.
“It’s okay, I’ll figure it out. How’s your painting coming?” As I speak, I find a link for a candle-making class in Fells Point.
I do love a good candle.
“It’s coming along. I should be done by tomorrow morning.” He tells me more about the client who commissioned the painting while I find the class schedule and discover the next one is tomorrow. After wrestling with myself, I book a spot in the class.
“Well, good. I guess we’ll both be doing good things tomorrow. Guess who’s got a date?”
