I have literally never heard it used in a good way. “Being high-strung isn’t a bad thing? Or you being on my neck isn’t a bad thing? Because you will be sent my medical bills.”
“I’ll get you a special-grade neck brace. And I’m just sayin’, it’s understandable when someone has so much on their shoulders and doesn’t try to pass off any of the weight.”
I playfully roll my eyes, then whisper under my breath. “Can’t a girl just be delusional sometimes?” I turn to him. “I’m gonna go back to relaxing now, so you can shut up.” I poke him in the side of the head before closing my eyes again.
He doesn’t respond, but I hear the music get louder.
It does feel nice to let go sometimes, to exist without the worry of what comes next needling you. I want more of this feeling.
Five minutes later, I let my eyes flutter open. “Hey, Micah?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you still chase the moon?”
He looks up to the sky to find a full moon sitting right above us. His right hand moves over to my thigh, and he squeezes it with a smirk as he slams on the gas.
He doesn’t tell me where we’re going. He doesn’t need to. We know where the moon is taking us. We park by one of the trails at Loch RavenReservoir and get out to walk around, neither of us feeling any pressure to talk. Words aren’t always needed.
We end up sitting on a large rock by the water and I wonder if this is the same spot from all those years ago. If the surrounding trees and rocks could tell their story, would they remember us? Would they have expected us to end up back here?
Time passes as we pick up smaller rocks nearby, tossing them in the water and listening to the ripples cascading from the impact.
“I haven’t been honest with you,” he says as the water settles.
“Okay,” I say shakily. “Be honest with me now.”
He shifts so that our knees are touching. “You told me what you were willing to give, and I told you I was fine with that. I lied.”
A herd of elephants stampedes through my stomach. If we’re really being honest, I knew from the beginning it wouldn’t be enough for him, but I was willing to take his words at face value to get what I wanted. What kind of person does that make me?
“Or at least I thought I did.”
“You thought?”
“Yeah. I have always wanted more with you. I’ve always wanted the whole picture and this time was no different, so I said what you needed to hear, thinking maybe down the line I could convince you to take a chance on us. But then when you backed away from me earlier, I thought, damn, she may never get to that point.”
I hang my head, the familiar tinges of shame creeping up on me.
Micah lifts my chin with his finger, a tender smile on his face. “And that’s when I realized I’m okay with that.”
I shake my head, trying to comprehend his words. “I don’t understand.”
“I realized that having you in my life, in any form, is more important to me than having you in my life in the way I want you. I get that I have bigger feelings about us than I let on, so I would understand if you wanted to cut off the benefits factor of our friendship. It’s you that I can’t lose.”
I freaked out about a kiss on the cheek earlier and here he is telling me that he would stay in the friend-zone forever if it meant he got to keep me in his life. He is unbelievable. “You’re serious?”
“Dead serious,” he confirms.
The Goode doctor is going to have a field day with me next time I see her.
What if I stop calculating my every move and let life happen? At some point life has to be about living and not survival, right?
“I don’t wanna cut off the benefits,” I rush to say.
He chuckles. “Well, okay. Is there more to that?”
“I can’t say that I’m ready to commit to ‘more.’ But I’m done fighting against the possibility. So, what if we just let whatever’s supposed to happen, happen?” I’m tired of turning us into a self-fulfilled prophecy.
