I lose everyone.
Life’s short and everybody dies.
It makes sense that she’d have trouble strengthening ties out of fear of loss, but this... This has affected her deeply.Intensely. The evasion from intimacy, the elusion of attachment, the habit of shifting the conversation if it ever drifts too deep. This is the reason, isn’t it? Somewhere down in my gut, the realization hurts. Not acid this time. Ice.
“So I can’t be the one to answer these questions for you,” she says. “My perspective is too fucked up.”
I almost laugh becausefucked upis such a mild way to describe it. But I don’t laugh because, right now, laughter would be cruel, and even I can rein it in when I need to. “So, you’ll just never love anyone ever again because they might die?”
She covers up her wince with an absurd chuckle. “Pretty much. Sounds weird when you say it like that, though.”
“Jocelyn—”
“The last guy I was in love with died.” She hugs herself tighter. “So yeah. Relationships and I are— I think I’m cursed.”
Her last boyfrienddied? Jesus, no wonder she’s so guarded. This is definitely the deep, dark thing. She practically shrinks on herself talking about it. Look how fragile she’s become.
But just because something’s fragile doesn’t mean it will break. She’s let fear drive her existence since her parents died. If she can force me to face my demons, then I can do the same for her.
Though I think this might take some finesse.
“You are definitelynotcursed,” I say. “And if you are, I’ll break it. I’m a superb curse breaker. Best of the best.”
She snorts and wipes her face, where a lone tear has fallen. I hate that tear. Want to do bad things to these beliefs of hers that caused it. I wonder if this is how she felt that night I spilled all my worst beliefs over FaceTime.
“You could probably charm a curse away,” she says.
“Probably.” I take a couple steps closer to her. “So... what you’re saying is, on the off chance that Gabriela dies someday, I should definitely not go out with her.”
With a small grimace, she shakes her head. “That’s idiotic, isn’t it?”
“A little, yeah. You should really think about that, Joss. For yourself.” I dip my head, trying to catch her attention, but she won’t look at me.
She stares around us—at the sterile white walls, the silver scrub sinks, the empty ORs. “We have got to stop having these serious conversations in here.”
I smile. “What, the sterile ambiance doesn’t do it for you?”
She lets out a small laugh, then sobers. “Sorry. I don’t know how I made this about me.”
“You didn’t—”
But she interrupts before I can continue. “I think the only way to not be alone is to just... do it, Asher. So maybe you should take the opportunities presented to you and not worry so much about whether they come at work or somewhere else. If you don’t want to be alone, then take the risk. If the risk outweighs the benefit, then don’t do it. And if you choose not to try with her, then at least you have another snapshot for your collection—she is a girl who’s taking you seriously. Either way, you’re winning. And you’re definitely braver than I am.”
Aw.
For someone with such a cynical outlook, she’s great at finding the silver lining. But her guarded stance... that single tear... the little hitch in her breath... Everything about her is screamingGive me comfort!
Adorable, nonsensical woman.
Despite my misgivings, the crush rears its head. I’ll haveto smash it back down later, but I can’t think about that right now. My problems disappear into the background. “I’ll contemplate Gabriela’s risk-reward ratio some other time. You—you need a hug, Joss.” I open my arms. “Can I?”
She huffs and stamps her foot in aWhat took you so long? gesture. Her expression crumbles, and in a single instant, she’s crying. “Duh. Yes, please.”
Her tiny arms slide around my waist, and her face rests against my chest, mascara-laden tears soaking into my scrub top. My chin fits over the top of her head.
So tiny.
So sad.
