“Okay.” I motion her to go inside.
She trips into the room. “Just like to be prepared.”
“I don’t need an explanation.”
It didn’t even occur to me to bring condoms. Figured I’d be with her the whole time. But now I’m thinking I’m naive and shortsighted. If she was planning to hook up with someone, then so could I.
But... I sort of hate one-night stands. Lots of work. Reward is nice when it works out, though, even if short-lived. Who doesn’t love an orgasm they didn’t give themself?
Joss lets out a dramatic hiccup, derailing that thought. “I’m not a slut. Like, I know that women can do what they want, and fight the power, and blah, blah, but it’s still so stigma-shtig-stigmizing, you know? To be that girl who—” her arms do this weird circular motion, like she’s weaving a spell “—sleeps around.”
She falls onto the center of the unmade king bed, fully clothed. Her librarian outfit from earlier is tossed across the end of it while her open suitcase has thrown up in one corner of the room.
I set her purse beside the TV. “I don’t think you’re a slut.”
“And I don’t care what the rest of them think,” she slurs as if I didn’t speak. “Or... maybe I do a little bit.” She squeezes her thumb and forefinger together and squints through the tiny gap. “Teensy, wittle, tiny bit.”
With a laugh, I untie the bow of one silver snake shoe. “That much, huh?”
“But you!” She flings her arms as wide as they’ll go. “I care about what you think a whole, whole lot.”
“You do?” I strip off her shoe and attack the other one. “Why?”
Her eyes fall closed. “?’Cause you know me. And you, like, are deep in here—” she presses a hand over her heart “—where really important people live. So if you thought bad things about me, I’d be sad.”
My next few heartbeats grow a little painful. Her unguarded expression, makeup-smeared face... They undo me. She never talks about this stuff.Never.
Shouldn’t take advantage of her disinhibition, honestly,but I’mdyingto know why. Why did she allow me in this coveted place when she never lets people close?
Why is she scared to love?
Why does she sleep around, then vilify herself for it? Because a person who’s 100 percent okay with their decisions doesn’t worry if other people are judging those decisions unlessthey’rejudging those decisions, too.
What happened to make her wall herself off from everyone?
Shoeless, she curls up on her side, and I pull the covers over her.
“I don’t think bad things about you,” I say. “Ever.”
Eyes closed, she smiles. “Good. You’re the best friend I ever had.”
“I’m going to my room to get you nausea meds, okay?”
Her smile grows. “See? This is why you’re irreplaceable.”
I pause at the end of her bed. Irreplaceable?
“Didn’t realize until it was too late,” she continues, half asleep. “Snuck inside. Got important. It’s not fair. People are impossible to replace when lost.”
“You won’t lose me,” I say so quietly I’m not sure she even heard it.
She releases a loud exhale. “Yes, I will. I lose everyone.”
Jocelyn
Emotions aren’t things you should crush or try to change. They’re communications from deep within. Listen to them.
—My Therapist
