The fantasy appeared in the aftermath of Katrina when my sister, brother and I discovered we were orphans. Even after the immediate tragedy, the number of well-wishers barely diminished. We were bombarded—overloaded—with love.
Perhaps my siblings found solace in the company, but I was overwhelmed. I retreated into the solitude in my mind, and sometimes, I still go there for peace.
There’s security in loneliness. The greatest pain in life is loss. Loss of control. Loss of self. Loss of love. At the endof my happiest days—days like today, when my friends surround me and laughter abounds—the knowledge that it’s all temporary cuts deep into my chest.
Today was amazing. Pool Party Saturday is always fun, but bonding with Yayoi, teasing Geoff for his boring taste in burgers—Meat and cheese only? What even is that?—and digging deeper into Asher’s wants and needs has left me... content. Cheerful. At peace.
I’ve lost so much, and I know I’ll lose more. It’s part of being human. But losingthis—this happiness so bright it always temporarily blinds me—I’m not sure I could survive it.
What’s worse is that I sense something changing inside me. Growing. Right at the center of all this warmth is Asher. That tiny morsel of vulnerability he showed me at the restaurant sprouted a seedling in my heart. He’s so good. So comfortable. He’s like the cozy blanket I use on my coldest nights.
But comfort leads to complacency, and I cannot let myself grow careless. I raised walls for a reason...
They keep out the floods.
These people I’m growing to love, this life I’m coming to adore—even Asher, steady as he is—it’s all temporary.
Nothing lasts forever.
Every single thing I touch drowns in one way or another. I can’t control death. But I can control this, and I willnotlose myself again when this all falls apart.
This growing thing inside me can be eradicated. I can care for them and still keep myself protected. I’ll just have to backpedal a bit. The others will be easy, but Asher’s already too close. I thought he’d be easy to keep at a distance, so I didn’t protect myself as deftly as I should have at the beginning. He snuck inside, and I need to extract him before those tendrils grow thorns. Before ripping him out grows painful. Before it makes me bleed.
I’m alone on my hill. Enclosed in a glass box that keeps me safe.
“Joss?”
My head snaps up. Asher stands in the doorway to my room at his house. I came here to change into sweats, but once dressed, I perched myself at the foot of the bed to wallow. Time must have slipped while I reburied the feelings my fear had savagely ripped open and exposed.
“Everyone’s gone,” he says. “You on your hill?”
A smile tugs past my ravaged insides. The man knows me...
He breaks out in a rendition of “The Fool on the Hill” by The Beatles, and I laugh.
“Come on, rubber duckie.” He holds his hand out. “Get out of your head. I made popcorn.”
“Rubber duckie?”
He shrugs. “Yeah, they’re cute and small like you.”
The divinely blessed scent effervescing from his clean skin ripples over me when I follow in his wake. On Movie Saturday, we enjoy a mutually agreed upon film, usually in the company of Geoff and Yayoi, who are not currently present because they’re at home, banging.
Movie Saturday has rules.
Mine: 1) No sad movies. 2) No animal deaths.
His: 1) No horror flicks. 2) Never even speak ofThe Ring.
Asher’s couch is cozy. His screen is big. I crawl into my usual spot while he brings in the popcorn, then stretches out in the L portion of the sofa at the other end. Here, in the serenity of his home, I stuff myself with popcorn and shove my fears down deep.
It’s natural to be comfortable here.
Normal.
I’m not complacent. My walls are intact.
Sometime later, Asher wakes me with a soft touch to my shoulder. “Time for bed, sweetheart.”
