Asher
Don’t think of love as the endgame. Think of it as the kickoff.
—My Therapist
Don’t laugh.
The reassuringbeep, beep, beepof the fetal heart monitor fills the delivery room while my patient recovers from her last set of pushes, but instead of catching her breath, she’s waving a hand in front of her face. “Oh, my g— Who keeps farting?”
Seriously. Don’t laugh.
Carrie is a lovely woman. She really is. One of my favorite patients. But she’s pushing a baby out, which often results in pushing... other things out. I’m 100 percent certain this woman doesn’t realize the smell in the room is her.
I’m a simple man with a simple sense of humor. And this? This is hilarious.
Or maybe I’m a complex mess of a man with a child’s sense of humor. Who could say?
“Doctor Foley!”
My attention snaps to Carrie’s incredulous expression.
“I amsosorry for my family,” she says. “I can’t believe this.”
Her mother and sister stand at the bedside. Their stoic faces are pulled into guises of concern. Meanwhile, the father of the baby tries his best not to laugh at the head of the bed. Yolanda, the nurse, wisely remains silent.
Don’t laugh!
I smile behind my mask. “It’s fine, Carrie. Push.”
She pushes once, then glares at her sister. “Do you need to go to the bathroom?”
“I’m sorry,” the sister whispers.
The baby daddy snorts then tactfully transitions to a fake cough.
“Come on, Carrie,” I say. “Don’t waste your contraction. Push!”
Epidural pushes are usually feeble—a fact inexplicably truer between one and four in the morning—but Carrie’s a champ. A+ for effort. Pushes the baby out in less than an hour.
Thank heaven.
Wouldn’t have been able to keep from laughing much longer. Notather. At the situation. The irony. In obstetrics, humor must be found in the small moments. Otherwise, it’s nothing but long spans of stark boredom punctuated by moments of sheer terror.
We clean her up swiftly, so she’ll never know she shit all over the delivery room and blamed her supportive family for the odor.
But I know.
And the dad knows.
We share a silent moment of understanding, a nod to the unspoken brotherhood of comedy.
Him: Did you also find this comical?
Me: Yes, brother. This was priceless.
Him: Today it was spoken, ye shall triumph all funny story contests for the rest of time.
Me: Time shall wither, but this shall remain.
