Or, at least, that was how it had turned out for her.
Alfie and Mabel were married. They had a baby on the way.
Beck and Hazel were planning their wedding for spring.
Maybe if I’d had a name ending in-ELthings would have worked out better for me, she thought. Then couldn’t avoid the question any longer. He was looking at her with the biggest, most anxious eyes in the world.
“Worse. I was already in love with him,” she said, and he sucked in a breath.
“Oh, that’s super bad. Oh, you should never, ever fly so close to the fake-relationship sun if you’re already mad for the person. Didn’t they teach you that in fake-relationship school?” he said. Then he clicked his fingers, likeoh no, I missed a trick here. “Shoot. Why didn’t I think of fake-relationship school before now? I just let you rattle on, fumbling through this, figuring that you seemed okay. Whole time I could have been giving you lessons. Great advice. Proper support.”
“Beck, youdidgive me proper support.”
“Not sure it feels like it right now.”
“Because you’re very sweet. But honestly it could have been worse.”
He shook his head, folded his arms across his chest. Sort of like Caleb, but so different at the same time it was almost funny. He did it too high up his chest; he made a face as he ticked his head side to side. And the face wasadorable.
The very living embodiment ofthis is quite a pickle.
“Phew, well, I suppose that’s true. He could have been in love with you, too,” he said. And so oblivious to that being a possibility. It was almost devastating to have to correct him. Luckily, however, it seemed to show on her face.
He almost did a double take, before he settled into a wince.
“I take it by your expression that this was, in fact, the case.”
“Yeah, I’m the woman. I’m the one. It wasn’t made up at all.”
“So the birthday of his life?”
She nodded. “Uh-huh. That’s me.”
“Without you he dwells in darkness.”
“Oh god, that’s such a gutting one.”
“It really is. Always used to want to give him a hug over it, truth be told. But you know how he is. Sort of like he might perish if you try,” he said, gaze drifting away as if he was remembering some near miss. Beck leaning in, Caleb’s face turning into a very subtle rictus of horror.
Just like it had many times for her.
“Yeah, I felt like he was perishing constantly.”
“And that’s why it can’t work out, then?”
“Well, no, not exactly.”
“Oh, so you just realized you’re not compatible.”
“That isn’t— I mean, that’s not the problem,” she said. But that didn’t seem like enough, so she plowed on. “In fact, if anything the whole experience said we’re very alike, in more ways than I thought. Books, movies, music. Making ourselves smaller over the same things, to different degrees. Always imagining that people think badly of us. That they don’t like us. That we’re not enough.”
“And what happened when you told him he was?”
She stopped the slight flailing she’d apparently been partaking in. Assessed Beck, and everything he was doing. But he wasn’t doing anything, really. He was just sat there with an earnestly interested expression. Hands folded in front of him on the table. Gaze steady, steady, steady.
In fact he didn’t even look away from her when the waitress came. He just ordered some champagne. Said they’d split the starter platter, like she’d suggested to him on the phone.
At which point she started to think he was doing something.
