But it still felt impossible.
“All that pain, though. And the fact that you couldn’t have sex. And then got forced into a fated-mates, werewolf-sex situation—with the very person who sort of did this to you. Come on, that’s at least a little horrible any way you slice it,” she tried, face turned away from him as he did.
Then she turned back, and oh. There was such a look, all over his face. A kind of half-sheepish, half-confused look. And she knew some other revelation was coming. It was clear before he even took a breath, and kind of tilted his head to one side. “Yeah, I was kind of thinking you’d probably guessed why that fated mates stuff happened. And that maybe you were just being polite about it. Or trying to spare my feelings. But now I’m starting to wonder if that’s true. Now I’m starting to wonder if you really don’t know what a coward I was,” he said.
But honestly, that only made it more confusing. “You’re not a coward, Seth.”
“I am. And I’m a fool too. God, I was a fool.” He looked away from her again, down at his tightly laced together fingers. So she knew he was struggling to find the right way to say it. And it clearly made it easier, when she put her hand on his arm and squeezed.
Because he took a breath, and began, “Do you know why Iwanted to be someone different? Someone hotter and cooler and better? Because I thought: if I become those things, the girl I love will finally love me. I will be good enough for her then. I’ll be like the homecoming king in every movie we loved, mooned after by some sweet girl you’re supposed to think is a dork. I will be a prize, golden and glowing and perfect, and she will think so too.”
And now she wasn’t just confused.
She was frightened. Because part of her knew what he was saying. But most of her didn’t know how to accept it. She was still stuck between the kid she had been, and the woman she had grown into, and whoever it was that she could now possibly become. Someone even better. Someone who didn’t just dare to trust in the decency and friendship of another person.
But believed in love being returned.
Or at least, believed enough to say it.
To step out over what looked like empty air, and be sure that something safe would emerge beneath her feet.You’ll plummet to your death if you try,her mind insisted. But somehow she found herself inching to the edge of the precipice anyway.
“But you already were those things, Seth. And if that girl didn’t see it, then she was a fool,” she said, heart beating like a rabbit’s, eyes unable to meet his. Until he touched the tips of his fingers to her chin. He lifted it so she could see his gaze, all full of feeling for her.
“Oh, I think she did agree,” he murmured softly. Then more, more, oh there were a million confessions to come. “I think she must have, all things considered. But the problem was, I just didn’t know. I didn’t understand. And it meant I didn’t tell her. It meant I wasterrifiedof telling her. That I was terrified ofanyonetelling her. I didn’t want her to ever think I was pathetic and lovelorn and not really her friend. So I let myself be taunted into shouting something at a talent show, something ugly, something I only meant as a fumbled, frantic denial of all the things I didn’t want her to know. But of course she didn’t hear it as that. She heard it as an insult. And it led to us not being friends at all.”
She saw it all, the moment he said it.
Everything turned on its head. Everything flipped.
The insult somehow no longer even just accidentally repeated, in anger at them. But accidentally repeated, out of love for someone. Someone she could see now, very clearly. Yet still felt breathless, at the thought of naming.
“So you were friends with this girl,” she said, instead.
But he understood. “The best of friends. The very best.”
“She was special to you.”
“There are no words for how much,” he said, as he met her gaze.
And she knew. She knew so thoroughly that she almost couldn’t speak what was in her heart. But she made herself, so she could hear it for sure. “Try to tell me some of the things that made her special to you. Tell me what she was like,” she said, so faintly she wasn’t even sure if he caught it.
Until he stroked a thumb over the tear that ran down her cheek. “Like wild laughter while riding my bike down a hill with her on the front,” he said soft, soft. “Like eyes made bright by the movie screen her face is always turned up toward. Like the smell of popcorn and cinnamon and something she baked just for me. Something so sweet, I can hardly stand it.”
And when he did, she saw every one.
Felt the wind in her hair.
Saw a movie dancing in her eyes.
Tasted that sweetness on her tongue.
“And is she still those things now?” she dared to ask in a trembling voice. Then got all the wonders she could have ever dreamed of.
“She’s more than all of them. I’ve watched her fearlessly fly into a sky she doesn’t know if she’s ever going to come down from, just for the love of all that is magical in the world. I’ve seen her care for someone so much, even while thinking he was her worst enemy. Hell, she thought Iwasher worst enemy again, when she came for me. Fierce as a lightning strike, doing things for me that I could never have imagined getting from someone, in all the horror movies I’ve ever loved. She is the heroine of all of them, better than all of them, and I’m not afraid to say it. Because that fear was all about me, and how I thought you would see me. When really I shouldhave thought about howyoudeserved to be seen. How you deserve toknowyou’re seen. You are the best, brightest, and most brilliant person I’ve ever known, Cassandra Camberwell. And I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you so much that even though it might cost me to say it, I want you to know it anyway. I want you to know how beloved you are to me,” he said.
Then all she could do was look at her own clumsy little life through new eyes.
The way she was, the way she seemed. All the ways he’d told her, and yet somehow she hadn’t understood. Because before, he would start to say “love” and change it to “like.” He would say he imagined how making love with her might be, then make sure to clarify that he meant now rather than always. He had stepped carefully around an admission that his desire was already there. Held back on confessing his attraction to her. And how many times had he said:
