She had to swallow a few extra breaths before speaking. Really calm herself down, after all this confessing of her own crimes. Though somehow, even after she’d gotten to the explanation part, everything still felt fraught and awkward. Her voice was so small when it finally emerged.
“I thought you were joking. I thought it was a joke. You were just so…you were so handsome, I just thought…I thought that was the start of you tormenting me. I didn’t understand that you were serious or I would never, ever have laughed and called you a…a jughead.”
It helped, that he laughed at the wordjughead.
And when he reached over the space between them and put his big hand over hers.
“Iknowyou wouldn’t, honey. I realized within seconds of talking to you like a human being that you would sooner poke out your own eyes than upset someone you barely know.” He paused to give her enough time to digest this. Then just whacked her with another sackful of emotional bricks. “And then when it dawned on me, I went back to my dorm and heaved my guts up for about six hours. It worked out nicely though—I made weight the next day super easily.”
“Christ. I don’t know which is worse: me or wrestling.”
“The answer is C:Iam. I am the worst.”
She shook her head. Squeezed one of his fingers between her finger and thumb.
“You don’t get to say that anymore. Not when the stupid conclusions I jumped to almost made you commit suicide by psycho mobster.”
“Hey—that isnotwhat happened. I got a little reckless and depressed, yeah, but that is all on me, not you. I’m the one who spent years fucking up my own life. I’m the one who chose to be an ass to you. I don’t get to blame you now for trust issuesIcaused. You understand me? You have to understand—we covered this same thing like five minutes ago.”
“I do understand you. I promise I do. I just—” she started.
But thankfully he finished it for her.
“Stop. Start again, by putting some of this on my shoulders.”
“You’re in a hospital bed, Tate. I think your shoulders have taken enough.”
“My shoulders are fine. Come on. Just gimme one thing you wishI’ddone differently.”
It was hard to consider, with him looking at her like that. He had turned onto his side, even though she was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to do that. And she could see where the skin had split around his jaw—those paper butterflies were lined up in a curling row over the red.
Plus he was stroking her knuckles now.
How was she was supposed to keep putting it on him, in light of that?
She had to glance away, just to get anywhere close.
“Why didn’t you explain when I found all that stuff?”
“That’s good. That’s better. I don’t have an answer for you, but it’s better.”
“There must have been some reason you just stood there and took me yelling at you. I mean, later I could understand, because I basically deleted you from my life. But you had me right there and…nothing.”
“Honestly? I didn’t feel like therewasanything I could say. That first email is fucked up. It’s like everything that was wrong with me before I started to get my shit together. And then there was that fucking video…why the fuck did I keep that fucking video? I knew as soon as I saw I’d somehow recorded us that I should have just fucking deleted it. It was so weird that I kept it. It felt weird, like being one of those guys who secretly puts their girlfriends on porn sites. But I just…I don’t know you were so pretty and you looked like you loved me so much I…I’m making excuses again.”
She squeezed his hand tightly for that.
To reassure him, the way he always reassured her.
“As excuses go,‘I wanted to keep evidence that you loved me’is pretty good.”
“But the rest is kind of creepy though, right?”
“I don’t think creepy would be the word I would use.”
“Stupid, then.”
“No.”
