“Being aroundyoubothers me.”
He didn’t say it to be cruel. She could tell, even though he kept his back to her.
But it hit hard, anyway. She had to take a second before she could answer, and her voice still wavered a little when she did. “Because I push you?”
“You don’t push me. You don’tneedto push me. You barely have to do a fucking thing, and I’m out of my ever-loving mind.”
“I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.”
He turned, then. And not in his usual careful, deliberate manner.
No—this was a clumsy move, borne of frustration.
And that same frustration near sang in his voice and gestures.
“Do you know how many times I’ve lost control in my entire life? The total is zero, Lydia. It’s zero. I don’t lose control—not ever. It’s the main reason I was chosen for the jobs I’ve done. There isn’t a thing on earth that can put me under pressure, make me lose my cool, make me fuck things up. And you come along and just take me to fucking pieces with a word. You walk into a room, and I can’t help looking at you. You meet my eyes and I meet yours back. You ask me questions; I answer them without eventhinking. I answer them in a way I’ve never answered anyone. Do you understand that? You don’t. I can see that you don’t. You think I’m exaggerating.”
“No, I get it, honestly I get what you’re saying—”
“If you got what I was saying you wouldn’t want to be around me. Try to understand: I’m afraid of myself when I’m with you. I’m afraid of what you can do to me, of what you can persuade me to—”
He cut himself off before he could get to that lastdo, and turned away again.
As if it shamed him, just to think about it.
Which frankly seemed crazy to her.
It made her snort, a second before she attempted to blow his reasoning to bits. “I don’t know why. I haven’t been able to persuade you to do anything.”
“Honey, I walked in your door and froze. I fucking froze. Just being in someone’s home and seeing you look like that—it was too much. And it under five minutes, you hadmekissingyou.You had me on your bed.”
“I hate to break it to you, Isaac, but all that sounds pretty normal.”
“Not for me it isn’t.Neverfor me. You’re the only woman I’veeverdone that for.”
“You’ve never kissed a woman first in a big sexy rush?”
She laughed, after she’d got the question out.
But then he said, “I’ve barely kissed any womenperiod.”
And the laughter died pretty damned quick.
In fact, for a second all she could do was stare at his great, still back, mouth half hanging open. Had he just said barely? And if he had, how many was that exactly? It didn’t sound like ten. She wasn’t even sure if it meant five.
But less seemed like a completely bonkers number.
“That can’t be true,” she said, the second it occurred. “I mean...look at you.”
“Honey, I went straight from being a closed off high school kid to the kind of work that takes that closed off quality and turns it into seven layers of steel. What do you think—that I have a new girl every weekend? When you hear me talking about dating, does that scream here’s a guy who knows what he’s doing?”
“Maybe not. But the pussy eating kind of did.”
“You say that like it takes a thousand fucks to learn.”
“For most guys it absolutely does.”
“Yeah, well, not for the ones who read.”
