He must mean when she was inRaiders of the Lost Ark, she thought, then wanted to shake herself for going off on this tangent with him. Had he really just said that people thought he was dead, or had she dreamed it?
“Bernie, are you serious?”
“About Karen—”
“No, not about Karen Allen. Having a crush on Karen Allen is a perfectly understandable and ordinary thing. Being dead to the people in your life is not.”
“I’m pretty sure you know I don’t really have any people in my life. Or at least, none that I care about. And certainly none that care about me.”
“Even so...you didn’t say anything to anyone?”
“Did you really think I had? Was that what you imagined?”
“I don’t know what I imagined. I thought I should maybe just try to give you space to work things out, you know? Not badger you about it. I mean you pretended your phone wasn’t working, so I just figured you wanted to be free of all that....”
“You saw me do that and you didn’t even feel like calling me on it?”
“Why would I call you on it? You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay to want a break from everything, you know. It’s okay to be tired of your life.”
He did glance at her then—for obvious reasons. He wanted her to see the gratitude in his eyes, and she did. There was no need to add anything or make it all clearer, not even if she kind of wanted to.I’m tired too, she wanted to say, but instead found herself just going with something light and carefree.
“So are you all over the news?Holden Stark Has Possibly Sexed Himself to Death, Says Unnamed Dubious Source.”
“Are you the dubious source in this scenario?”
“You haven’t sexed yourself to death with me.”
“I dunno. Yesterday was a close thing.”
“I swear I didn’t mean to give you that second blowjob.”
“So your face just fell on my penis?”
“Yeah that. That is what happened.”
“Is that your official comment forTMZ?”
“No my official comment ishe keeps letting me.”
He laughed then, but she could hear the faint sadness behind it. This wasn’t like having a discussion about who was the best Thundercat. This was like having a discussion about reality, and reality sucked. It always had and it always would, and just to prove it his laughter started to wilt. His smile wavered, then drooped, then finally disappeared altogether.
And then they were left with the cold, hard truth.
“You know I gotta go, right?”
Of course he did, of course he did. What other end could there be to this? She’d always been pretty clear in her own mind that they couldn’t remain like this forever, what with his career just waiting out there for him and real life buzzing beyond her front door—the very idea of shutting themselves in here to infinity was fucking nuts. She was certain it was, right up until the point where he added more words.
He added more impossible, unbelievable words.
“Unless you want me to stay?” he asked, after which she wasn’t sure what to think or say or do. She expected a surge of happiness—that was the problem. She had been prepared for disappointment and he wasn’t giving it to her, so there should have been some happiness here. Some sense of relief that finally, finally things had turned out in the best possible way for her.
Things never turned out in the best possible way for her.
This was supposed to be a goddamn revelation.
Yet somehow it wasn’t, it wasn’t.
She found herself swallowing thickly instead—as though there was something heavy and dry low down in her throat. And the words she’d planned to say in this situation simply slid away, despite how good they sounded in her head.I want you to stay here forever, she thought, and just couldn’t go with it.
