She didn’t know what to say anyway, when he straightened himself out enough to gasp a rather shocked few words.
“What thefuck?” he asked, and though she knew he meant it in the good way it was a little unnerving anyway. He just looked so stunned. He didn’t seem to know whether to laugh or be amazed or share his total confusion, and that made it next to impossible to respond. She wasn’t sure whether he wanted soothing or a handshake.
She didn’t know ifshewanted soothing or a handshake.
Both sounded really nice and really bad in equal measures.
But what he settled on was twice as intense as either of them.
“How do you do that? How did you do to that to me? I’ve never felt anything like it, honey, I swear to God—I’m fucking daunted. That was daunting. I don’t even know if I can make you feel half as good as that but if you want I’ll try, I’ll—”
She didn’t mean to cut him off. Or shout as she was doing so. It just sort of happened. Thenoburst out of her like a bullet from a gun—but luckily without the brutal impact. He didn’t clutch himself and reel back to hear her say it, thank the Lord. He just looked...faintly puzzled.
Then a little less so when she added, “No really, it’s okay. I’m just tired now that’s all.
Though maybe it wasn’t quite enough. He held out an arm to her and let her cuddle down to sleep, but she could tell he was still thinking. His breathing seemed to take a long time to turn into something longer and steadier, and even after it had she could still see a faint frown between his brows.
And he was justified in it too. Even she wasn’t sure why she’d said no so readily, when faced with the state she seemed to be in. She was still so turned-on she could have taken a trip to the bathroom to sort it out, and only the thought of waking him stopped her. He was quiet now and unquestioning, and she wanted him to stay that way. But as she finally sank into something like oblivion, she couldn’t help wondering.
How long could that possibly last?
Chapter Eight
She woke from the same dream she’d first had a few nights ago. The one that had made tears run in great tracks down both sides of her face. She wasn’t sure why, however. There wasn’t anything horrible aboutCaptain Amazing. It was undoubtedly his best role and even if it hadn’t been, even if the character was an out-and-out disaster in spandex, he hadn’t done anything bad to her.
She was somehow sinking into a big tar pit, so he’d hauled her out.
That was all. That was all. There wasn’t any subtext. Holden wasn’t even anything like Captain Amazing. He didn’t smoke a pipe, for a start. And to the best of her knowledge, he had never eaten a crystal from the planet Corian then split into an evil version of himself. Unless the guy she was with was the evil version of himself.
In which case, she hoped he wouldn’t fly her into space then leave her there.
That would be a real downbeat end to their little love affair.
Though once she really thought about it, there were a lot of things that could count as a downbeat end to their little affair. He might decide it wasn’t a love affair at all because they’d never been out on a date or met each other’s parents or admitted anything of the sort aloud.Shemight decide it wasn’t a love affair at all, just because she couldn’t do any of those things that he was possibly bothered about. Then finally the worst one—he could have realized that she was a lying pervert.
Space sounded almost cool when compared to any of those reasons, and especially that last one. Why on earth had she let herself fall asleep the night before? At the very least she should have explained to him why she’d done all of those things. She could have told him she read books. Hell, she could have told him about the weird internet porn.
Everyone watched weird internet porn these days. He was probably watching right now, in an effort to catch up with the crazy things she’d done. When she closed her eyes she could almost see him GooglingMy virgin girlfriend is a secret sex freak who licks my butt, but of course the moment she did she had to poke something hard and sharp right through her ear and into her brain.
He wasn’t really thinking that, was he? How bad had she been, on a scale of one to ten? She suspected a six, then had to bump it up to an eight when he wasn’t where she expected him to be. He usually took a shower first thing in the morning, but she couldn’t hear him singingGoodbye Horses. And he wasn’t in the basement either, picking stuff for them to devour together. She shouted down and didn’t get,Hey remember that bit inCluewhen he goes for the door handle and gets sprayed in the face?
There was only silence.
A long, long silence, of the kind she used to love. No people asking her if she was okay, no endless questions about how she’d managed it. No constant wondering how she had. Just thatshushof the ocean, low and calm. The sound of her own breathing, saying clearly that she was alive—that it wasall rightto be alive.
But suddenly that wasn’t enough.
She’d grown used to his voice, his presence. She’d made a space for him inside herself and wasn’t sure how to make it go away now. She tried to shrink it with terrible thoughts about his playboy lifestyle, or maybe that picture she remembered of him with a perm. None of it worked, however. The space remained.
And when she heard him calling her name, that same space swelled to three times the size. It made more room for him, more doors for him to open, more of everything.
“I’m out here,” he said, and she had about thirty seconds to wallow in relief. Thirty seconds of spontaneous smiling and lots of soppy thoughts about how cool he was and how he kept not disappointing her...before she realized with a start. He wasn’t actually in the house. He was outside.
He had gone outside onto her porch.
“Why are you out there?”
She did her best to keep her voice light. To make it sound as if she thought he were somehow silly for doing this—even though there was nothing silly about it at all. He hadn’t accidentally fallen into a big hole. He’d just walked out the door. There was nothing ridiculous about that, no matter how hard she tried to make it so.
