“Fix you?” Ro echoes, swiping his hands across the air like he’s attempting a hard reset. “I thought talking to Matt mighthelpyou.”
He hadn’t meant for his words to hurt, but they leave me hollowed. My heart in free fall with nothing left to catch it. He thought Matt couldhelpme. Because even Ro knows something’s wrong. That no one should be this stuck for this long.
“And that’s you, right?” I need to remove myself from this conversation and this beach. “Always there to help.”
His nod is sharp as he digests my words. I pray he somehow also hears the ones I leave unspoken:I wanted you to see me differently. Better.
But Ro releases his hold on my arms. I miss his touch instantly.
“My bad. I forgot, you don’t dohelp.You don’t need anything or anyone.”
Hurt rushes from my body like the ocean retreating from the sand. Resignation taking its place.
He says my name on a sigh. “Kai, I’ve never thought you needed fixing, but damn. You could stand to change the approach up a little. For everyone’s sake.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’ve been watching you hide from everything real in your life for months. Even with me. I’ve been trying like hell just to know you. And you won’t let me.”
“Youdoknow me,” I say, throwing my hands up. “This is me—a fucking mess. Hi, it’s nice to meet you.”
Ro surrenders and clears my path. “Look, I shouldn’t have brought Matt without talking to you first. That’s on me. I just thought it’d be easier for you to be real with someone who didn’t have any skin in the game.”
My laugh is small and cold, but the sound is quickly lost to the waves gently crashing at our feet. When I move down the beach this time, Ro falls into step beside me.
“It’s fine,” I say, praying the waves swallow that lie up too.
None of this is Ro’s fault. Not really.He just wanted to help.
I toe the wet sand, drawing shapes and erasing them. Ro watches me work. So still and silent, I’m not even sure he’s breathing until I steal a glance. He knows a stiff breeze or one misplaced word could end our flimsy truce. So, like always, he lets me go first.
“Maybe I should just start teaching,” I say, surprising us both. And I turn to face him dead-on when I finish. “I have the degree, it makes sense, and it would save everyone around me from having to help me fix my life.”
The moon is bright enough tonight that I see a million emotions play out on Ro’s face, before he settles on annoyance.
“No,” he says, and the single word is a declaration. “That’s not what this was.”
The steady crashing of waves fills the silence between us, butall I hear is Ro. “I’m not trying to fix you. Look at you,” he says, grabbing my face in both hands. “Right now, even when you think you’re a mess, you’re fucking perfect.”
I’m relieved when he releases his hold on me, because I will never be prepared to face a compliment that direct.
“I don’t care what you do or don’t do, but telling people what you want shouldn’t be this fucking hard.”
And that tone, I’m more comfortable with.
“If you’d just say it,” he continues. “You might be surprised. Not everyone’s gonna let you down. You don’t have to expect the worst of people, just so you can act like you’re not fucking crushed when they prove you right. I think tryingnotto have expectations is actually what’s fucking killing you.” He shrugs, and I hold my breath to fortify myself against the way he sees me. “Because, when it comes down to it Kai, you caremorethan most people. You’re just better at hiding it than the rest of us.”
The ocean takes pity on me, sending waves up the beach to kiss my toes, before they retreat back to the depths. Ro settles into stillness beside me, standing so close his knuckles graze my arm. But with so much between us now, he might as well be a world away.
And when I step back, arms wrapped around myself protectively, Ro steps away too. Still following my lead, like always. But for the first time, I wish he wouldn’t.
—
Whatever emotions haunted Ro and me on the walk back evaporate into nothing when we see the commotion on Zola’s roped-off section of beach. I run ahead, pushing through the crowd to see what’s happening.
Zola’s at the center of the circle, and she’s finally sitting—which would be great, if she wasn’t also clutching her belly and grimacing in pain.
When I run to reach her, a little sand sprays onto her lap, and I’m momentarily comforted that she’s still capable of rolling her eyes at me.
