I had a guess. “No.”
She hummed. “Based on your lab work, it was a rut suppressant overdose.”
“What?” Lucy’s eyes searched my face. “You’re on rut suppressants?”
“Yeah. I took an extra dose this morning.”
Dr.Sinclair cocked her head. “How much extra is extra? The level of suppressant in your blood would indicate you’ve been taking double or triple the typical dose for quite a while.”
Fuck. All the times I’d planned to tell Lucy everything, and it came to this. It was time to face the consequences of being a fucking coward.
“Probably something like that for the past few weeks,” I muttered.
“Why?” Lucy whispered.
“I have HA,” I told the doctor, who nodded.
“I assumed based on your lab work.” Her eyes flicked to Lucy and back to me. “Your CT scan was clear and your blood work is fine except that your liver values are out of range. We want to keep you overnight to monitor you, give you fluids, and repeat the blood work in the morning. If your lab work shows improvement in liver function, which I expect, you can be discharged tomorrow. But it is very important that you cease all rut suppressant use. I know I can’t stop you since they’re available over the counter, but after an overdose like this, there is no safe dosage. Next time, you might not be so lucky.”
The pain in my body was nothing compared to what was happening in my heart as her words landed. I’d held on to the fantasy for too long—that the rut suppressants would be enough to dampen my alpha and make myself safe for Lucy.
Now I knew what I had to do, and I hated myself for it.
“I see you live in Starlight Grove. We’ll set up a follow-up appointment with a local designation doctor, and you can discuss managing without suppressants going forward. If you don’t have any questions now, we’ll let you get some rest and check in on morning rounds.”
Silence descended on the room once the doctor and nurse left.
“What’s going on?” Lucy’s voice sounded so fucking small. I loosened my hold on her and pushed myself up to a more seated position. She slipped off the bed, returning to the chair she’d vacated.
It’s for the best.
She shouldn’t even be in the same room as you.
Rip off the Band-Aid.
“Have you heard of hyper alphosferone?”
An adorable little crinkle appeared between her eyebrows. “Is that like hyper omestrogen?”
“Um, I’m not sure. But HA means I have over double the amount of alpha hormones as usual. I revealed as an alpha at fourteen.” Normally, alphas didn’t come into their designation until they were eighteen, and some not even until their early twenties. “High school was a shit show. I went from being a pretty laid-back kid to being an aggressive asshole. My parents tried to support me, but I kept coming home covered in bruises from the fights I would pick with the older kids. They took me to the doctor, and that’s when I was diagnosed.”
“That’s why you’re on suppressants?”
“Yeah.” My voice was hoarse, like my body didn’t want to release these words. “I settled down after I started them, but the parents at the school still felt I was too dangerous to be around their kids. They gathered a whole petition with signatures of everyone who wanted me kicked out. My parents tried to fight it, but in the end, I finished school online.”
“That’s horrible,” Lucy said. She reached forward to grab my hand, but I moved it away.
Her face fell and my stomach churned with sick nausea. The high school parents’ faces, twisted in anger, flashed before my eyes and then transformed to that alpha’s face—the one from the court case that haunted my nightmares.
“I thought if I took extra suppressants and we didn’t have sex, I could safely be around you. But I was wrong.”
“Is that why you wouldn’t have sex with me the other night?” she asked softly.
I nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything sooner. I was being selfish. The reality is, if I can’t be on suppressants, we can’t be around each other. Ever.”
She stayed frozen, but her scent was twisted and bitter, like a field of dead flowers. “No. I—what are you talking about? We’re together now.”
I shook my head. “We shouldn’t be. You need to go to the waiting room and leave with King and Leo.”
