I was a complete and utter failure. I thought I’d have a few more days to pay the utility bill. Everything I’d earned from my night with Nox had gone to paying rent to my uncles, andmy time off after the attack meant I hadn’t made as much as I usually would from the bakery. The cherry on top of this horrible day was coming home from the hospital to find the electricity out.
The darkness cloaked me in a suffocating blanket.
I whimpered from the pain in my head, desperate to find relief. Although no amount of pain pills would be sufficient to dull the pain in my soul.
In every shadow, I saw my attacker and remembered the horrific feeling of not being able to get away. I couldn’t even hope for relief in the morning because Gray hated me. Even seeing Liam had been a dagger to the heart because it was a reminder of how perfect he was and how I would never be good enough to be with him.
I trailed my hands along the walls, trying to keep my balance in the vast darkness as I walked through Cat’s bedroom into her bathroom. My uncles hadn’t touched any of her things since she died. I was grateful that the darkness shrouded her nest. I didn’t want to be reminded of her tonight.
I lifted my phone, allowing the light to illuminate the medicine cabinet. I grabbed the painkillers and took three, drinking directly from the sink to swallow them down. They were just over-the-counter pills and I doubted they would touch the burning, stabbing pain in my head, but it wasn’t like I could get any other meds and I was desperate for anything.
I hunched over the sink as another wave of dizziness assaulted me.
Manipulative.
Attention-seeker.
Faker.
Burden.
I let out a scream, squeezing my head with both hands. The weight of everyone’s judgements was enough to crush me.
I placed the painkillers back on the shelf when my phone light caught on a bottle of prescription sleeping pills. My fingers trailed over it. Towards the end of her life, Cat had struggled to sleep. I hadn’t realized these were still here.
There was something tempting and dangerous about the little orange bottle. I wrapped my fingers around it, pulling it out of the medicine cabinet. There was a light rattle as I opened the bottle. There were six pills left.
I poured them into my hand. They were heavy in my palm with promise—the promise of quieting the voices in my head and the emotional agony too intense for my body to hold. The promise ofnothingness.
I took them all, washing them down with water before I could second-guess myself. I waited to feel something—relief or panic or fear. But all I felt was numb.
I stumbled back to my room and fell onto my bed. Waves of heavy oblivion washed over me.
I hoped the waves would take me away to a different life.
35
WESTIN
The early morning light streamed through my bedroom window. My fingers hovered over the tarot deck on my stripped bed in front of me, but I couldn’t bring myself to pull a card. For the first time in my life, I was terrified of what the cards might say. My choices last night haunted me, the shame of what I’d done seeping into my skin like oil. I couldn’t handle facing condemnation from the universe as well.
In the light of day, I felt like a complete idiot. I hadn’t wanted to end my life, I just wanted to notbe.
I abandoned the cards and picked up my journal instead. A single tear dripped onto the blank page, and I quickly wiped it away. Even now, when I was alone and devastated, I couldn’t let myself cry. My room was cold without the heating kicking on, but I cracked the window open, anyway. I needed air. I neededsomethingto remind me I was still alive. The cool morning breeze fluttered around the room as I wrote in silence. I didn’t want to run down my remaining phone battery by playing music.
As I finished my latest entry, I realized I hadn’t confirmed with Gray that I was working today. Maybe it would be smarter to call out, but I couldn’t spend the day home alone.
Westin
We didn’t talk about it yesterday, but I am working today at 11am
I watched the dots signifying Gray was typing start and stop multiple times.
Finally, his message appeared.
Gray
Are you feeling better?
