We tumbled into my room, my feet hitting the ground as he released my legs. His hands were on me, fisting my hair, caressing my breast, and cupping my ass.
“You want this, angel?” he asked, tilting my head back so he could see my face.
“Yes,” I gasped.
“Fuck yes,” he growled.
He pulled off my sweatshirt and started tugging off my shirt when I froze. The heated arousal coursing through me seconds earlier transformed into icy fear. I curled away from him, tugging my shirt back down so it covered my soft stomach. My friends’ voices chorused in my head, telling me that Theo already knew what I looked like and I didn’t need to be self-conscious, but an image of him seeing my body and turning away in disgust flashed through my mind. I tried but couldn’t hold on to the confidence I had felt earlier in the night. It was as if every one of my fat rolls was shoutingnot good enough. He would see them and find me disgusting.
“Josie?” Theo’s voice was tender as he ran a gentle hand down my arm.
“I just… I…” I blinked furiously, trying to stave off the tears threatening to fall. I was messing everything up, ruining this.
“Oh, my love, what’s wrong?”
He hesitantly wrapped me up in his arms as if he was scared of hurting me. I leaned into him without hesitation, the heat of his body melting some of my paralyzing anxiety. He was still here. He hadn’t run out of the room at my freak out. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with his comforting scent.
Okay, Josie, get yourself together. You just have to fucking do it.
“Do you want a massage?” I almost shouted, my voice sounding borderline hysterical.
Theo’s body stiffened and he tried to catch my eye, but I kept my face pressed to his chest.
“Umm, you want to give me a massage?”
“Yes,” I squeaked.
“Will you tell me what I did wrong? What upset you?” he asked, pressing his face into my neck.
“Nothing’s wrong. I just want to give you a massage.”
I was acting nonsensical, but all I could do was cling to Poppy’s suggestion. Giving him a massage didn’t require me to get undressed.
“We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for,” he said, stroking my hair.
“I want to,” I said, squeezing my arms around him. He was so solid, so warm.Safe. “I’m just nervous.”
“I’m nervous, too, angel.”
“Really?” I asked, his confession making me brave enough to peek at him. There was no anger or impatience on his face.
“Yes, love. But it’s just you and me here. There’s no pressure. I want to do whatever you want, whatever feels good for you.”
I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. The tiniest spark of confidence fluttered through me.
“Okay,” I said, pulling away from him. “Then I want to give you a massage.”
A slow, sexy smile spread across Theo’s face. “Alright. Tell me what to do.”
Unbidden tears sprang to my eyes as it sunk in: an alpha was giving me control. Theo was giving me control because he loved me, trusted me, and wanted me to feel comfortable.
Alarm flashed across his face at my tears.
“Everything is fine,” I said, furiously wiping the tears away. “I’m just emotional! It’s all okay!”
My voice was coming out too loud, my movements frantic, and I’m sure my eyes were wild. Theo raised his eyebrows as if trying to make sense of my behavior. We looked at each other for a few silent moments before simultaneously bursting out in laughter. He pulled me into a hug, his chest shaking as he squeezed me tight. Nothing about this had been normal so far. I was an emotional wreck, my desire for Theo warring with my insecurities and trauma.And yet, he’s still looking at you like he wants you. Just keep going.
“Will you lie down on the bed?” I asked, finally pulling away from his embrace.
