They fell silent, and Olivia assumed this meant it was time to sleep, but just when she was certain Zack had drifted off, he said “Weinerfraude.”
Olivia giggled, then buried her face in her pillow. “Okay, enough! I get it!”
This time, the silence lasted longer than before, and it was nearly five full minutes before Zack shouted, “Get the schnitzel away from my pickle!” He sat up, and in the darkness he mimed wiping sweat off his brow. “Sorry, I think I was having a nightmare.”
Olivia burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. “Oh my god, I can’t breathe.”
“I’ll stop now,” Zack said. “I know you’re trying to sleep.”
“It’s okay. It normally takes me hours to fall asleep.”
“Why?” he asked, his voice suddenly serious.
“I don’t know… It’s hard to turn my brain off sometimes.”
“I get that. Anything in particular at the moment?”
“It’s… it’s hard to relax. I feel like if I fall asleep, something bad will happen.”My mom will call me again and I won’t hear my phone. She’ll be scared and in pain, and I won’t get to her in time. Every time I close my eyes, I brace for the sound of the world crumbling around me.
“That sounds awful.”
“There are worse things.”
“I’m sorry.” He paused and then, tentatively, with the care of someone stepping onto thin ice, he said, “Is it about your mom?”
“Yeah, mostly… She told me about the care package, by the way. That was really thoughtful of you.”
“I was happy to. Your mom’s awesome. Jonathan won the mother-in-law lottery.”
“He did.” Her voice shook slightly. What if Olivia didn’t meet her future husband until after… well, after it was too late? How could she marry someone who’d never known Lulu? Who only thought of her as a whimsically dressed character in photos instead of a living, breathing, dancing, art-creating being?
“Are you worried right now?” Zack asked quietly.
Olivia hesitated. Even the giddiness of her laughing fit hadn’t been enough to dispel the weight that settled in her chest every night, growing heavier and heavier with each passing minute until it felt like it’d crush her bones. “Yeah, it doesn’t really go away until dawn. That’s when I can finally relax. Of course, that’s also when I have to get up and go to work, so that sucks.”
“Does talking about it help?”
“Not really.” She didn’t know how to make any of those feelings word-shaped.
What if this treatment doesn’t work?
I’m worried I’ll also disappear.
How can I ask her if she’s afraid to die?
I don’t know if I can be the brave one this time.
A sob escaped her before she realized what was happening.
“Olivia? Are you okay?”
Tears began to stream down her face. Tears for Lulu, whohad to say goodbye to everyone she loved, who’d never meet her grandchildren. Tears for Marigold, who wouldn’t have time to prepare. Tears for Bill, who loved his wife as fiercely and tenderly as a man could, who would’ve given up his own life if it meant that Lulu could have even a year more of hers. And for the first time, tears for herself.
Without another word, Zack got out of bed, lowered himself to the ground, and wrapped his arm around her.
You can’t tell him, Olivia thought.You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone.But the secret felt so spiky inside her body, she’d give anything to release it, if only for a moment. “My mom is stopping treatment. Only my parents and I know. No one’s told Marigold.”
Zack was silent for a long moment. “Fuck.”
