Ash shakes his head slowly. I can almost hear his voice in my head:No. No. No.
‘He pretended to bump into me, but it wasn’t an accident. He pressed me up against the wall outside the bathroom andI could feel him rubbing his erection against my back. I felt frozen in place, completely overpowered. Then he just walked away.’ It makes me want to throw up, thinking back to that night. ‘That’s all he did. He never touched me again, never so much as looked my way, never asked another question, made me feel like I was nothing. It doesn’t sound like much, but, fuck, it messed with my head.’
‘Jesus fucking Christ,’ Ash murmurs, his eyes filling. ‘Did you tell your parents?’
I nod. ‘I told my mum. She said I was being melodramatic and was so dismissive that I couldn’t bear to bring it up again, let alone confide in my dad and have him reject me too. They wanted that man for a client. It didn’t fit with their narrative, him clearly being a fucking paedophile, but God, I felt so alone.’ I shake my head, emotion welling up inside me. ‘I didn’t even tell Stella. Or my grandparents. Maybe I just didn’t want to worry them, but it’s always been there, needling away at me under my skin.’
Ash draws in a sharp breath. It’s hard to look him in the eye.
‘Your father reminded me of that dad from school. I felt incredibly vulnerable around him, horrifically under his control.’ I can still hear his silken voice, still see his penetrating steel-grey gaze. ‘No one could protect me from him.’ I meet Ash’s eyes across the table. ‘Not even you.’
He looks destroyed.
I release his hand and stand up. ‘I need to go to the bathroom.’
‘Ellie?’ he asks with panic.
‘I’m okay. Just give me a sec.’
Running my hands under cold water, I press them to my cheeks, staring at my haunted expression in the mirror. When I return to the table, our food has arrived.
Ash stares at me as I sit down. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispers, distraught.
‘It’s okay. I’ve been working through it all with a counsellor, but I thought it might help you to understand why I was so desperate to leave the day your father ripped my job out from under my feet. It was too much. I had to get out of there. But the thought of you hating me for leaving like that—’
‘I haveneverhated you,’ Ash states fiercely. ‘Not really. My walls have been up, but I loved you then and I love you now. Please forgive me for not protecting you from him. I wish I’d been stronger.’
I press my hand to his. ‘I don’t blame you. I couldn’t be prouder of you for making the decisions you have. I love you so much. I just want to move forward with you now.’
‘I want the same thing.’
It’s dark when we arrive back at the cabin, and the starlings are asleep. There’s a full moon tonight so we don’t need to turn on our phone torches to see the way, and it’s intimate, this darkness, this quiet. I feel as though we’re the only two people in the world.
Inside the cabin, Ash starts a fire while I light the candles in the glass lanterns around the house. The walls flicker with a golden glow as we sit down opposite each other, gazing at one another in silence.
‘What do you want to do tomorrow?’ he asks.
‘What do you suggest?’
‘I wondered if you might like to go to Raglan Castle. We could take a ride, maybe bring a picnic, see some sights like we used to do.’
‘I’d love that.’ I tuck my hair behind my ears, wondering if what I’ll say next will ruin the moment, but I can’t keep things from him. ‘Beca replied to my Instagram message. I saw it as we were leaving the pub.’
His eyebrows jump up. ‘What did she say?’
‘Why has it taken you so long?’
He huffs out a laugh and I smile at him.
‘She also gave me your postal address and directed me to the Spaceguard Centre, so I would have found you eventually.’
‘I’m glad you found me at thebeginningof your week away.’
‘I can’t believe I’ve only got a few more days left,’ I reply. ‘How would you feel if I handed in my notice tomorrow and applied to Berkeley Hall?’
His eyes glimmer. ‘Shouldn’t you wait until you find out if you’ve got the job before handing in your notice?’
‘I’ve barely socialised in two years, Ash. I’ve got plenty in my savings account to get by until I find another position. It’s going to be hard enough being away from you while I work out my notice.’
