We call it a night after a light meal, with Ash asking me to get ready first. I don’t know if it’s a tactic to remove me from his space, but half an hour passes without him even so much as using the bathroom. I’m not tired after my earlier nap, so I switch on a reading lamp fixed to the wall and continue with my book.
Eventually I see him walk past into the bathroom and the surreal feeling comes over me again. I suddenly feel uneasy as I place my book down on the shelf behind the bed and shut off the light.
Have I made a mistake coming here? I’m isolated out in the woods with a man who has changed and moved on. Whatmakes me think I can integrate myself into this new life that he’s forged for himself? What if it’s impossible?
He’s right: I was the one to leave. And he never called. He believed me when I told him that I never wanted to see him again.
I hear the bathroom door open and a moment later Ash comes into the room.
My breathing has grown shallow. I’m facing the wall, but I hear him flip back the cover on his side of the bed, and then I feel the mattress compress as he crawls into place, drawing the duvet over himself.
He looks different. He smells different. Who is this man I’m sharing a bed with? And can I truly still love him if I don’t know who he is?
I lie awake long after his own breathing begins to settle.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
I stir around dawn and shortly afterwards, Ash does too. We lie side by side in bed, both wide awake, neither of us speaking.
Then, without warning, he flings his side of the cover back and slides out of bed, feet first. As he leaves the room, I notice that he’s wearing a dark grey T-shirt and black boxer shorts.
He uses the bathroom and heads into the kitchen. I hear him filling the kettle.
Fuck, this is so weird.
I remind myself that Iamstill attracted to him. And I like the way he smells, even if it’s different. It’s just soap. They’re just muscles. It’s just hair.
I remember what Ash said to me when I was trying to make sense of his interchangeable accents. I thought he was like two different people and he corrected me:Not two people. One. This is me, Ellie. You metme.You knowme.
This Ash might act, look and smell different, but he’s still Ash. I’ve simply got to get to know this new version of him.
I sit up, just as he comes back into the room with two mugs of tea.
‘Thank you,’ I say, accepting one.
He eyes his side of the bed, seeming to hesitate.
‘Let me hold that for you,’ I offer, reaching forward to take his mug.
I’m not sure he felt comfortable coming back to bed.
He lets me take his mug and returns to stretch out beside me, propping up his pillow.
We sit there in silence, sipping our tea.
‘If you have a hot shower, why did you swim in the river?’ I ask, puzzled.
‘I think it’s kind of obvious I needed to cool off,’ he replies gruffly.
I throw him a smile. ‘Where do you do your washing?’
‘Sometimes in the river. Sometimes at a laundrette.’ He glances at me to gauge my reaction.
‘It’s like we’ve gone back in time,’ I reply with amusement.
‘This life is not for everyone.’
‘It’s your dream, though, right? To be a hermit in the woods? Off-grid?’
