That’s exactly what it’s supposed to be, but it feels blasphemous to think about our relationship like that now. I still have all the reservations I had before we went into this, and I know that those hurdles remain, but somehow I’ve managed to shut out my concerns in order to live recklessly. The thought of our love having a limited lifespan is too unbearable to contemplate.
‘And he’s okay with you having a fling with a gardener?’ I ask.
‘Yep.’
I turn to look at him. His tone sounded flippant, but his jaw is clenched. He reaches back to fold his pillow over so it’s easier to see my face.
‘My father has had affairs all my life,’ he confides. ‘Their big anniversary celebration was fake as fuck.’
My eyes widen. ‘How do you know he’s had affairs?’
‘Well, I walked in on him fucking Meredith when I was six.’
My chest constricts at the sound of his casual misery.
‘She still puts out for him whenever he wants it. That’s why he won’t get rid of her.’
‘But what about your mother?’ I’m shocked.
‘She tolerates his indiscretions. He’s had plenty of others. I’m almost certain he’s why I went through so many nannies and au pairs when I was younger. Although I’m pretty sure my last au pair quit because of Hugo.’
‘Jesus! Ash!’ I’m reeling.
Siân said Hugo had a reputation for sleeping with staff. Ash told me that his brother was his father’s mini-me. Was there an element of power play to their affairs? I feel sick at the thought.
‘So, yeah, he won’t care about you,’ he says wearily. ‘It kills me that he thinks I’m just like him. Like my brother. And I have to let him believe it because the alternative is that he might cause trouble for us. If he realises it’s serious …’
My blood runs cold as his voice trails off.
‘What if your mother tells him?’
‘She won’t. They may be married, but it’s not a marriage. There’s no love between them. They have separate rooms, have done almost all my life. They’re together out of duty, nothing more.’
‘Fucking duty,’ I mutter, snuggling back against his chest. ‘I can’t believe you had to grow up with that.’
‘It’s why I’m determined to marry for love.’
His words should warm my blood, but they don’t.
If I get you pregnant, I’d have to marry you. I can’t have an heir out of wedlock.
My eyes go wide at the memory of Ash’s words. I’d laughed, thinking he was joking, but there’s a chance that he wasn’t.
I’m too exhausted for overthinking right now. I just want to soak up his warmth.
We end up falling asleep in each other’s arms, waking when the air has grown cooler.
‘I need to make you dinner,’ Ash says, sitting up.
‘I’m not that hungry.’
‘Well, I’m starving, so you can eat when you’re ready.’
‘I like this blanket,’ I say when I’m snuggled up beneath it on a camping chair. ‘It’s so warm.’
‘Taran’s grandmother knitted it for him. He suffered from the cold before he died.’ His eyes brighten. ‘I like seeing you wrapped up in it. You look so at home.’
Let the overthinking begin.
