I don’t fight it. He tucks me against his body, cradling my head against his neck, just holding me in the tiny kitchen while Siân stands by.
I don’t care that we have a witness. I need to be close to him right now, even though I’m wounded. I know he’ll makeit up to me later. I know that I’ll forgive him. I know that I can’t walk away from this, even if I wanted to. I’m in it to crash and burn.
Eventually he releases me, but his arm remains around my shoulders as he turns to face Siân.
‘So this is happening,’ he says casually, indicating the two of us.
Siân looks stunned. ‘So I see,’ she replies, her eyes moving back and forth. ‘That was somecwtch.’
Ash sticks around for our Friday barbecue and I’m glad to have him there, even if the atmosphere amongst the workers is strained. I was worried about what people would think, and I’m still worried – the reaction of my colleagues earlier in the week tells me that favouritism is a concern for them. Whether Ash likes it or not, they disapprove. But he won’t feel their disapproval in the same way that I will.
Siân and Bethan have been frosty all week and I know they’re hurt that I not only failed to confide in them but actively lied – Siân especially, after she opened up to me about Celyn. I hope she’ll forgive me eventually.
I just wish that Ash and I could have held on to our secret. It’s all so real now, and not in a good way. I’ll be watched like a hawk from here on in, judged by everyone to make sure I’m doing my job to the best of my abilities – and I’ll probablystillfall short of expectations.
‘Will you come back to the cabin with me?’ Ash asks as he’s leaving.
I hesitate. I want to. I want to run away, but I know it willonly make things worse if I don’t stay and face the music for a bit longer.
‘Tomorrow, then,’ he says when I shake my head. ‘I have to catch up on some business with my father in the morning, but I’ll be home from three – or I can swing by and pick you up?’
‘I’ll walk up,’ I reply.
He nods and presses a kiss to my lips before saying goodbye.
I feel the weight of every single person’s stare as he walks away.
Three o’clock the next day cannot come soon enough, and I do feel a little buzzy as I pack an overnight bag. But I still have an underlying dread in the pit of my stomach. Ash hasn’t filled me in on his time with Beca. He stayed with her for four nights – what did they talk about? What did they do? How did he comfort her? He deserted me when I needed him, so desperate was he to console his ex-girlfriend. He chose her over me, leaving me to fend for myself. I understand it, but how can I not be hurt by it? At the end of the day, the person who shares the most history with Ash is Beca. Of course he’s going to want to protect her and put her first.
If only there had been more of a break between them splitting up and us getting together. It feels messy and complicated and I know the guilt must play on his mind.
I think about this all the way up to the cabin, but the sounds of the forest act as a balm, and then Ash opens his door to me with his warmest smile and engulfs me in a hugso heartfelt that the ache inside me is soothed a little further.
‘I’m so sorry about everything,’ he murmurs. ‘I’m going to do my best to make it up to you.’
I’d already guessed that he’d try.
‘We’re all set up,’ he says. ‘Do you need to use the bathroom before we go?’
‘Go where? What’s been set up?’
‘The tent. We’re camping, remember? Just out in the clearing,’ he adds hastily. ‘So you can come back to the cabin whenever you want.’
I smile. ‘I’m good. Let’s go.’
There’s a three-person tent at the top of the hill. In front of it are two camping chairs, one of which is holding the soft grey blanket I love so much. Ash has also brought a table outside, upon which is a campfire stove.
‘Are we cooking out here too?’
‘We’re doing it all,’ he replies, and it’s sweet, seeing him happy like this.
‘Can I peek inside the tent?’
‘Go for it. It’s zipped up to keep the bugs out.’
I peer through the window and the first thing I see is his giant white telescope.
‘Are we stargazing?’ I ask with excitement.
