‘I don’t think so. He told me that he didn’t want to upset them.’
‘So do you think you will?’
It’s a moment before he speaks, his voice strained. ‘It feels like a lie to take him.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t believe she jumped off that cliff.’
Full wakefulness comes over my body. I reach over and turn on my bedside lamp, needing to see his face for this conversation.
He flinches from the light but recovers, squinting at me as he folds his pillow to prop himself up against the wall.
‘When I packed up her things after she’d gone, I noticed some of her clothes were missing: a couple of her favouriteoutfits and her old cowboy boots that she used to love. I asked my nan about them, but she said Mum must’ve thrown them out. But what if she didn’t? What if she took them with her, wherever she went?’
I sit up and lay my hand on his smooth, warm chest, feeling his heart thudding beneath my palm. I don’t know if he’s trying to find an alternative to the devastating fact accepted by the community that his mother took her own life, or if there may be some truth to his conjectures.
‘Have you got any theories about where she might have gone?’
He stares up at the ceiling for a few seconds before answering with a shrug. ‘She always used to say that she wanted to go to Goa for a fresh start. Maybe she did.’
‘Did you ever speak to your therapist about this?’
He gives me a sharp look. ‘How do you know that I’ve had therapy?’
‘You told me once when we were talking about your real name.’
‘So I did,’ he replies broodingly. ‘It’s not something I shout about. But no, I’ve never talked about it.’
‘What will you do about Tyler?’ I ask after a moment.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Could you show him the spot where her clothes were found – avoid saying that she jumped?’
‘Maybe. I guess I could say it’s where she left us.’
‘Or where she made the decision to leave?’
He shakes his head. ‘She made the decision to leave us well before that. She must’ve had the whole thing planned for months. Do you know, she spent more money on our presentsthat year than any of the previous few combined. She wanted to see our faces when we opened them so she could give herself a nice memory of us looking the happiest we’d been in ages. And after she’d got that kick, she fucked off, forever ruining Christmas for each and every one of us, including my grandparents.’
‘I’m so sorry, Finn.’ My heart hurts at the thought of the pain and suffering that he and his brothers and his grandparents had to endure. At the pain they muststillfeel every single year at Christmas, when it would be especially hard to forget.
He sighs and takes my hand off his chest, pulling me into the crook of his arm. ‘Turn the light off.’
I lie there, my mind ticking over as his breathing begins to settle.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Finn jolts awake, momentarily confused as he looks around, bleary-eyed.
‘My latest guests have arrived,’ I whisper.
‘Jesus,’ he exclaims groggily.
‘Tarek did urge me to put in better soundproofing, but I didn’t have the budget.’
I’ve been awake for about fifteen minutes, listening to my newest arrivals boisterously unpacking their car. They must have driven through the night to get here this early. It’s only six forty-five, but they were supposed to arrive on Saturday and have paid for the full week, so I can’t complain. I’m just relieved I cleaned up after everyone had left last night.
