When Finn left last summer, I barely managed seven days before I sent him a ‘Missing you’ message, to which he replied, ‘I miss YOU. So fucking much.’
I rang him the moment I received it.
‘Well,thisis a pleasant surprise,’ he answered with what I knew was a grin, although I couldn’t see him as I hadn’t FaceTimed.
‘I don’t want to go a year without speaking to you,’ I admitted, beyond happy to hear his voice.
‘I’m glad you’ve come to your senses,’ he replied.
Ihadn’tcome to my senses. I’d lost them.
We texted and calledallthe time. I lived through the upsof his meetings with record labels and through the downs of his split with his band. He shared in my happiness when I started sculpting again properly and in my pain when I found myself desperately missing Mum and Dad.
Whenever I had something to say, some news to share, Finn was the one I wanted to call.
But therein lay the problem.
There have been times when I haven’t felt present in my life here. I forgot Rach’s birthday, turned up an hour late to Amy and Dan’s housewarming party, almost missed a meeting that Shirley had called to talk about a falling-out Michael had had with his best friend, Timothy. They made up again before we intervened, but that’s not the point. I wasn’t there when my friends and family needed me.
I told Finn when I forgot Rach’s birthday. He sympathised, but when I next messed up, I was too embarrassed to confide in him.
At around the same time, I began to realise that he was holding back from me too. He had an argument with his dad that he played down, a run-in with one of his former bandmates that he brushed off.
And when I rang him on Christmas Day, he kept things light and cut our call short because he had to go for lunch at his dad’s place. I mentioned how much I’d like to meet his family and hinted at the idea of him FaceTiming me once he got there, but it was three days before he called again and we didn’t even speak on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day because he’d gone to a swanky party and was so hungover afterwards that he didn’t answer my call. Eventually, he confessed that he’d been feeling low and hadn’t wanted to bring me down.
Ithasmade me wonder if his happy-go-lucky life in LA is all it’s cracked up to be.
When Finn walks into Seaglass a month later, I see him right away. I observe the way he searches the bar until he finds me, register the warm joy that spreads across his face, a reflection of my own. I’m in the middle of serving a customer and he’s swamped by friends, but the second I’m able to, I rush out from behind the bar and he immediately breaks away, swooping me up in his arms and hugging me tight.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he growls in my ear.
I pull away to look up at him, beaming, and he lets go of my waist, cups my face and kisses me, right there in the centre of the room.
‘Just as well my boyfriend isn’t here tonight,’ I murmur when we break apart, slipping my hands over his shoulders and looping them behind his neck.
He looks alarmed for a split second before wrinkling his nose and play-punching my arm. ‘Don’t joke about it.’
I grin and kiss him. ‘I don’t want anyone else,’ I say seriously. ‘At least, not for the next two weeks,’ I add casually, before erupting into giggles against his shoulder.
‘Actually,’ he says, and the way he leaves the word hanging makes me sharply look up at him.
‘I might have managed to shift some things around.’ He’s smiling down at me.
‘Tell me,’ I demand with excitement.
‘I’m staying for a month.’
I gasp. ‘Really?’
He nods, eyes sparkling.
‘Oh my God, Finn!’ I give him the hardest hug.
It’s going to hurt so much more when he leaves after four whole weeks together. But the simple fact is, no other guy has ever come close to making me feel the way that Finn does. And recently, I haven’t been short of offers. I’ve been asked out more times in the last few months than in the past few years.
I know I can’t remain in this limbo state with Finn forever, but for now, there’s no choice to be made. For this summer at least, I’m his. I’ll deal with the consequences later.
I wake up on Sunday morning feeling groggy. I’ve been up half the night – we both have. I thought I’d keep Finn company in his jet lag, but I’m going to be sore today …
