I’ve been going through life on autopilot for the last year and a half. When I woke up on Valentine’s Day, only six months after Tom first collapsed on the cliffs, and saw that I didn’t have a message explaining his absence, I began to worry. And then I heard an ambulance coming down the road.
I got to the cove in time to find him being carried off the beach on a stretcher, but it was already too late. A tourist had found him collapsed on the sand, right in the middle of ageometric pattern of hearts that was fanning out across the beach. He must’ve been just about to call me.
Later, once Michael has conked out, Finn and I take our drinks up to the roof terrace and sit on one of his outdoor sofas, facing the city. The lights across the hills are twinkling in the darkness and the air is pleasantly warm and smells of the jasmine planted in pots at one end of his terrace.
‘How are you feeling?’ he asks me.
‘Okay,’ I reply. ‘I’m getting there. Thank you, though. I think this might be just what the doctor ordered.’
‘It’s my pleasure. I’m glad to have you both here. Finally,’ he adds with a wry smile.
‘I hate that you always see me at my weakest points. It’s not fair on you. How many more times are you going to have to prop me up?’
‘Liv, you’re the strongest person I know. Give yourself some credit.’
He reaches across and squeezes my hand. I let him hold it until I feel too edgy and then I extract myself.
He swigs from his bottle of beer.
‘How are Liam and Tyler?’
‘They’re good. Tyler was over recently. They attended a few gigs together.’
‘Where does Liam live? I thought he might be here with you.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding me. Live with that little twerp?’
‘I thought he was something like twenty-three now,’ I reply, laughing.
‘He is. That means he’s more than capable of standing on his own two feet. He’s in Glendale, near where I used to live.’
‘You’re a good brother to them, Finn.’ I mean it sincerely.
He looks amused. ‘After I called him a little twerp?’
‘You’re a good brother,’ I repeat seriously.
The boys’ grandparents did an incredible job taking care of them when their mother disappeared. But they could only do so much. God knows what would have happened if they hadn’t also had Finn checking up on Tyler and Liam, taking them out and bringing them over to LA every year so they could spend Christmases together, away from the dark memories.
‘And you’re a good friend,’ I add, reaching over to take his hand again.
He stares down at our hands contemplatively. Then he lifts his eyes to meet mine. Our surroundings are lit only by the glow of far-off buildings and street lights, but it’s enough to see his face in the darkness, his eyes shining.
‘I still love you, Liv.’
I almost pull my hand away, but when I fail to act on instinct, it stays there, our fingers entwined in the space between us.
‘I’m well aware that you’re grieving for Tom. But I need you to know that.’
My heart is in my throat. ‘How can you still love me after all these years? After everything I’ve done?’
‘What have you done?’ he asks with confusion.
‘I got married toanother man, Finn!’ I raise my voice, anguished. ‘Didn’t thathurtyou?’
‘It fucking killed me,’ he replies gruffly, letting go of my hand to rake through his hair.
‘So how can you still love me?’
