I tilt my head to one side. ‘I’dliketo find someone to spend the rest of my life with.’ I’m thinking of Dan and Amy and Rach and Ellie, if I could ever be that lucky.
‘Kids?’ he asks frankly.
‘One day, if I can.’
His eyes drop to his whisky.
‘What about you?’ I ask.
‘I like the sound ofyourlife,’ he confesses, his voice sounding oddly gravelly.
I notice the shadows of his jaw muscles clenching and unclenching.
‘Tom, are you okay?’ I have a feeling that he’s not.
He lets out a long, heavy exhale and eventually he meets my eyes.
‘I can’t have kids,’ he says with regret. ‘I thought you should know.’
My head is reeling.He thought I should know?
That says a lot. We’ve only known each other for a few weeks, but I keep feeling a compulsion to look to the future.
And Tom has just made it clear that he feels the same. He can also imagine a future for us –ifI can get past the fact that he can’t have children.
We stare at each other and I sense that we’re trying to read one another’s thoughts. My stomach lurched at his revelation, but the idea of having a family with anyone still feels like a long way off. If Tomisthe right man for me, we’d find a way to make it work.
I react instinctively and get to my feet, joining him on the sofa.
‘Have you known for long?’ I ask gently, sitting very close with my knees resting against his thigh.
‘A few months.’
I run my fingers lightly over the back of his head, hoping to soothe him. His hair has grown out a bit since he’s been here, and it’s lightened a little under the sun.
‘Did this have anything to do with why you and Cara—’
‘It was part of it,’ he confides.
My heart fractures at the sight of tears shining in his eyes.
‘I’m so sorry.’ I nestle into his shoulder and lay my hand across his chest. ‘But there are other ways to have children.’
‘I know,’ he replies, placing his hand over mine. ‘We could have done IVF or considered adoption, but …’ He shakes hishead. ‘It wasn’t meant to be between us, anyway,’ he says, falling silent.
I lift my head to kiss his cheek and give him a soft smile. ‘See? Youcantalk to me.’
He lets out a small laugh. When he looks at me, his eyes are still shining, but with some other sentiment I don’t understand.
A moment later, he dips his head and catches my lips in a gentle kiss.
We withdraw after a couple of seconds and stare at each other. And then we set about closing all other physical gaps between us.
He doesn’t make it back to his room at the Drifty that night.
LAST SUMMER
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
