I’m not sure where Anders is and I can’t help but be preoccupied looking for him. I’m guessing he’s somewhere near his brother, but I’ll rest easier once I know.
I completely forgot to bring a chair or blanket of my own, so I’m perched on a hay bale, shivering a little. The mobile cinema company supplied headsets, so the film audio is playing directly into people’s ears rather than blaring out of loudspeakers.
I jolt when a blanket is draped around my shoulders. I look up to see Anders. He comes to sit on the hay bale beside me.
I didn’t know it was possible to love so fully and hurt so deeply at exactly the same time.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
He nods, staring ahead. His face is lit by the light of the big screen and I notice he doesn’t have earbuds in.
“Where’s your headset?” I ask as I remove one of mine.
“I think they ran out,” he replies with a shrug. “It’s okay. I’ve seen this film loads of times.”
“Me too, butFerris Bueller’s Day Offnever gets old.” I pass him my right earbud.
He glances at me. “Are you sure?”
“Of course.”
He takes it from me and we sit side by side, sharing the audio.
I long to snuggle up to him, like Bailey is doing with Casey, like Sheryl is doing with Dad.
A wave of loneliness crashes over me and I feel sick with sadness and confusion. As the film gets into full swing, I barely crack a smile, let alone laugh.
Anders shifts to make himself more comfortable, resting his hand just behind my back, and I feel a straight line of warmth from where his arm is stretched out, barely touching me. I can’t help myself: I lean against him. A moment later, heslips his hand around my waist and pulls me to his side. My heart contracts as I rest my cheek against his shoulder, intensely aware of every inch of skin where we’re connected.
This is as close as we’re ever going to get.
It’s true what I said to Dad all those weeks ago when he collected me from the airport:You can’t help who you fall in love with.
Dad couldn’t help falling in love with Sheryl.
Scott couldn’t help falling in love with Nadine.
I couldn’t help falling in love with Anders.
But Icanhelp what I do about it.
Intermission comes around and I feel the ghost of a kiss being pressed to the top of my head. As the festoon lights come on and people start to get up, I hastily take out my earbud and hand Anders the headset.
“Thanks for the blanket.”
I leave it on the hay bale.
“Do you want some help?”
“No, it’s okay.”
As I walk away from him in the direction of Bambi, I can’t help but think of all the times he walked away frommewithout so much as a backward glance. I want to be that strong, that determined, but curiosity gets the better of me and I cast a look over my shoulder.
He’s sitting where I left him, with his elbows on his knees, staring after me and looking utterly wrecked.
I feel a full-body shock as our eyes connect. But by the time I reach the Airstream and glance over again, he’s gone.
And then it occurs to me to wonder: Did he just kiss me goodbye?
