It’s not just me; his eyes told me that last night. There is no moving on from this. I need to do something because I know he won’t.
I have to get through a torturous Sunday on my own before I can go into work again, and on Monday the disappointment is crippling beyond belief as I realise it’s his day off. There are no guarantees that he’ll be in on Tuesday, and when there’s no sign of him in the staffroom I head to the hospital room with a heavy heart. Olivia only spent her first week at home with Ben. Now she’s been relocated here, but he’s still her primary carer. I push open the door and come face to face with him.
‘Hey,’ he says, avoiding my eyes. ‘Just getting her settled.’
‘How is she?’ I ask, shifting from foot to foot awkwardly.
He glances at the koala amongst the blankets. ‘She’s good.’
‘Is she still crying at night, do you think?’
He shakes his head. ‘I doubt it. Not much, anyway.’ He turns back to me and nods towards the door I’m blocking. ‘I’d better get on.’
I step to one side and he starts to walk past. ‘Don’t you want any help today?’ I blurt after him.
He hesitates and turns around, registering the panic on my face.
‘Of course.’ He tries to sound enthusiastic. ‘Let’s do the koala check.’
I follow him out of the door feeling very unsure of myself, chasing after him like a small child as he walks two paces in front of me.
‘I caught a taxi home on Saturday,’ I call when I can bear the silence no longer.
‘That’s good,’ he replies over his shoulder in a non-committal voice.
‘What time did you stay until?’ I prompt.
‘Not long. I thought I’d better get home and phone Charlotte.’
There. He’s said it. He’s said her name. He’s pushing me out and bringing her in. And I feel like he’s knifed me through the heart.
Just then, Ben comes to an abrupt halt and puts his hand out to hold me back, saying, ‘Watch out – here’s a bilby.’ A small animal hops out from the undergrowth. It looks a little like a mini-kangaroo crossed with a rat, with big ears and a long snout. I’m still in shock from the mention of The Name as we stand and watch the fluffy grey creature sniff at the paving stones.
A memory comes back to me of the night I turned up at his house with Olivia. He’d been on the phone. It must have been toher.
‘When do you leave?’ I ask solemnly, focusing my gaze on the bilby and trying not to think about the warmth of his body heat right beside me.
‘Week after next.’ I can barely hear him.
‘Where will you work?’
He clears his throat and turns up the volume. ‘London Zoo.’
‘I can’t imagine you working in a zoo.’
‘Why not?’
‘It doesn’t seem, I don’t know –realenough for you.’
‘I worked at Sydney Zoo before coming here. It’ll be a nice change.’
The bilby hops off into the undergrowth again, and Ben continues to walk along the winding asphalt footpath.
I take a deep breath and hurry after him. ‘How did you meet her?’
He shrugs. ‘She was travelling in Australia. She worked in the café here for a while.’
‘How long is a while?’
