He tries again. ‘You haven’t been yourself here. At least, you haven’t been the Lily I know.’
‘Why do you keep saying that?’ I suddenly snap, but when I turn to look at him, his expression immediately calms my mood. ‘I’m sorry,’ I sigh. ‘It is strange to come back here.’
‘I thought you loved Adelaide. You always defend it when anyone says anything negative about it.’
‘Those people don’t know what they’re talking about,’ I say crossly.
‘See?’ He smiles. ‘I know you’re fond of this place, so why does it make you so sad?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe I’m just freaked out about the funeral tomorrow. I’ve never been to one before, you know.’
‘Oh, right,’ he says.
I could leave it at that, but when I look in his eyes, I can’t. I try to explain how I feel. ‘I guess it was such an up and down time for me, being uprooted from the UK, starting at a new school. But I found my feet here and then Mum broke it off with Michael and we had to leave.’
‘But you could have stayed?’ he enquires.
I manage a wry smile. ‘Do you wish I had?’
He chuckles and opens up his arms. I step into them and he kisses the top of my head. ‘Of course I don’t.’
I relax into his embrace and begin to feel safe again. Eventually I pull away and look up at him. ‘Thank you for coming with me.’
‘Do you mean that?’ I nod as a lump forms in my throat. ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d prefer to come back on your own,’ he adds.
‘No,’ I say honestly. ‘I’m glad you’re here.’
But in the morning, there’s something I need to do alone.
As soon as the light starts to creep under the blinds I leave Richard dozing in bed and walk out of the hotel and down Rundle Street towards East Terrace. I take a left and I’m soon passing through the wrought-iron gates of the Botanic Gardens. On autopilot I head along the wide, straight path lined with freshly mown grass and turn right by the towering palm trees. The path curves left and then I’m passing under shady trees and sitting down on a bench. The place is empty. Deserted.
The reeds around the edge of the pond have grown so tall that I can barely see the large green lily pads from where I’m sitting. There are no pink flowers at this time of year, but Cupid sits still in the centre of the water, riding on the back of a grey swan. A dragonfly hovers above the reeds and I can see its wings shimmering in the sunshine. I’d forgotten how beautiful this place is.
I sit in silence for a long time until eventually I come to my senses to see hundreds and thousands of tiny black ants swarming around my feet. A man on an orange ride-on lawnmower appears at the edge of the pond, shattering my peace and quiet. It’s time to move on.
Yes, it’s time to move on. Really. In every sense. Ben left ten years ago.
Why are you still waiting for him?
I think of Richard sleeping soundly in bed this morning, his brown hair flat on one side from being squashed into the pillow, and I’m filled with an overwhelming sense of love for him. I suddenly want to be back in the hotel in his arms.
I hurry away from the pond with purpose, trying to pull my whole heart with it, but a piece of it tears off and remains. As I always knew it would.
Chapter 21
Towards the end of April, my dad, Lorraine and my three half-sisters arrive for a two-week holiday. It’s been a strange couple of weeks working back on reception after my time atMarbles, followed by the two days I had to take off to attend the funeral in Adelaide. It’s been fine – in fact, it’s been quite nice because most of theMarblesclan now smile and say hello to me on their way in. I feel like I’m a part of their little family somehow, even though of course I’m not. I have experienced a few insecurities, wondering if I should be buying coffees on my way in, but then I tell myself to get a grip. Plus Nicola and Mel were quick to reveal that Cara, my temporary replacement, had a really annoying laugh. She also hated soup and Tim Tams, so that didn’t go down too well.
It’s overcast and windy on the day my family touch down in Sydney. I go to meet them after work on Friday for an early-evening meal at their hotel. They only arrived this morning and are feeling worn out and jetlagged, so I don’t drag Richard into the city for the sake of a couple of hours. He’s off tomorrow on the surfing trip with Nathan and a bunch of people. Monday is Anzac Bank Holiday, so he won’t be back until late Monday night.
My family are staying in a flat in the Rocks area. Dad called earlier to tell me the number of their flat, so I don’t have to report to reception on my way in. My heels click over the polished floor of the spacious lobby and I press the button to call the gilded lift.
As a senior accountant, my dad is pretty well off. And Lorraine hasn’t done badly for herself either, with her interior design business. My sisters don’t want for much. I try not to think about the fact that they now live in a six-bedroom house in Sussex that would have had more than enough space to accommodate me ten years ago. Things were different back then.
‘That’s her!’ I hear one of my sisters – Olivia, I think – scream from inside the flat. A stampede of footsteps races for the door and it bursts open, revealing Olivia and Isabel’s beaming faces. A split-second later I’m being suffocated by their embraces. I can’t stop laughing.
‘Let Lily come in,’ my dad gently berates them as he untangles his daughters’ limbs from mine and pulls me in for a hug. ‘How are you, my girl?’ he says into my hair.
‘I’m fine, thanks, Dad,’ I reply, feeling the hot pricking of tears behind my tightly shut eyelids. It always hurts to see him after such a long time of being apart. He looks older, I realise with a pang. His grey hair has thinned out and his wrinkles seem more pronounced. ‘Where’s Kay?’
