‘Demented,’ Josh says fondly. He always did like Tammy. Not in that way, but she was feisty and never took any rubbish from him. I dare say he respected that.
‘Do you think I’m crazy to get married?’ I suddenly find myself asking him.
‘Er, no – not if Richard’s the right guy for you.’
‘Doyouthink he’s right for me?’
He laughs. ‘What a question! I hardly know him, but you both seem pretty happy.’
‘We are,’ I murmur. ‘Most of the time.’
‘What was going on with you two last night?’ he asks. It would have been impossible to miss the fact that we were having a row.
I sigh. ‘Oh, he was annoyed with me for not telling my colleagues about ourimpending nuptials.’ I say the last bit in a comedy fashion to make it sound less scary. It doesn’t work.
‘He’s got a point,’ Josh says thoughtfully. ‘Why hadn’t you told them? Most people wouldn’t be able to keep something like that to themselves.’
I shrug. ‘I don’t know. I didn’t want them to make a fuss.’ Even to me I sound unconvincing. ‘Are your dad and Janine happy?’
‘Yeah.’
‘That’s good to hear.’
‘You know, just because things haven’t worked out for your mum, doesn’t mean they won’t work out for you,’ he says directly.
I grin at him. ‘That’s very perceptive of you, Joshua. Richard says the exact same thing.’
‘Oh well, if he’s like me, whywouldn’tyou want to marry him?’
We laugh and turn away from each other, but I’m thinking that he’s wrong. And Richard is wrong, too. It’s not the concept of marriage that frightens me. It’s Ben. It’s always been Ben. I told myself I’d lost him when he left, but deep down, I don’t know if I did. What if I met him again? What if his marriage didn’t work out? What would I do then?That’swhy I can’t get married. I can’t take that risk. Should I try to find him again?
Lily, what the hell are you thinking? This is crazy talk. Ben is gone.Richard is your here and now, and he’s a good here and now. No, better than that, he’s agreathere and now. Of course you have the odd little argument, but so does everyone. I can’t believe you’re even contemplating finding Ben.
I swivel to face Josh and open my mouth to speak, but quickly close it again.
‘What?’ he asks.
Too late. Can’t stop the words from coming out. ‘Does Michael ever hear from Ben?’
‘Ben who?’
‘Ben Whiting. You know – Ben who used to work at the conservation park.’
‘Oh, him.’ Recognition lights up Josh’s face and my heart jumps. ‘No,’ he replies, making it wither again. ‘Not that I know of. I didn’t think you knew him that well.’
‘I didn’t.’ I try to cover my tracks. ‘But he looked after me when I started work and I wondered what became of him after he got married.’
Josh shrugs as the Opera House comes into view. He’s soon distracted while I stand there, full of guilt and kicking myself for taking steps towards a path that could potentially devastate my relationship, my boyfriend – and of course, me.
As predicted, Nicola asks me for Josh’s email address when I get back to work on Tuesday. Josh left yesterday morning and he admitted he was quite looking forward to getting back to his ‘bird’.
‘Sorry. No can do.’
‘Come on!’ Nicola cries.
‘Don’t shoot the messenger.’ I shuffle some papers on my desk, trying not to meet her eyes.
‘What do you mean, “messenger”?’ she asks. ‘Did he tell you not to give it to me?’
