‘Not now.’ He looks at April as she takes pieces of fruit out of the fruit bowl, one by one, and puts them on the coffee table.
Oh, God... He regrets it...
April picks up a bright-pink and lime-green dragon fruit and toddles off to the bedroom with it. I look at Charlie.Now can we talk?
‘I don’t know what to say,’ he murmurs.
‘You wish it hadn’t happened?’
‘I don’t know,’ he says. ‘My head’s all over the place right now.’ He sits forward in his chair, clasping his hands together between his knees. ‘This...’ He looks around the room. ‘This is Nicki’s place.’ He’s not talking about what’s within these circular walls: he means the resort. ‘She only died a year ago. Shepaidfor April and me to come here. It doesn’t feel right.’ He looks at me directly. ‘It feels wrong.’
The blood drains from my face.
He shakes his head, frustrated. ‘It didn’tfeelwrong. Itiswrong.’
‘I understand what you’re saying.’ This is exactly what I feared and I could kick myself for not having more restraint. ‘But Charlie...’
‘Like I said, my head’s all over the place,’ he interrupts. ‘I need time and space to think, but I don’t have time and Idefinitelydon’t have space.’ He casts a significant look at the bedroom, where April is still merrily babbling away.
‘I can give you timeandspace,’ I say, leaning forward. I’d give anything to be able to take him in my arms, but I know that wouldn’t be welcome right now. ‘Why don’t you go somewhere today? I’ll look after April.’
He starts to shake his head.
‘I want to,’ I insist. ‘You could visit one of the caves. Or you could walk up to the top of the cliffs. There’s a lake up there. They do guided tours, if you want, or you could just take a map and explore.’
He ponders it. ‘What about you?’ he asks. ‘Don’t you need to go to the caves and stuff while you’re here?’
‘I can go another day,’ I reply. ‘It’s not suitable for children, anyway, so we couldn’t bring April with us. Maybe you could take my camera and click off a few photos for me?’
‘You’re sure?’ he asks. He’s not taking much persuading – he really does need to get away for a bit.
‘Absolutely.’
‘Okay.’ He stands up and flashes me a small smile before heading into his bedroom.
He hasn’t touched me once.
I’d better keep busy today so I don’t fret too much. I know exactly wheremyhead is at. With a little time and breathing space, hopefully Charlie will see that we can make this work. We have to forge forward now. Going backwards is not an option.
I just hope he agrees with me.
‘Bridget’s going to look after you today, okay?’ Charlie says to April when he re-emerges a few minutes later with her in his arms. He’s wearing a hat and trainers, and he has a backpack slung over his shoulder with two water bottles stashed in the outside pockets.
April stretches her arms out to me and Charlie smiles as he passes her over, all of my hair follicles standing to attention as our arms brush. ‘Thank you,’ he says, meeting my eyes.
I smile at April. ‘We’re going to have fun, aren’t we?’ She smiles back at me and tugs my hair. I tickle her ribs and chastise her jokily. She’s still laughing her head off when Charlie goes out of the door.
At lunchtime, April and I wander over to the infinity pool. I order some food and we spend an hour or so splashing around in the baby area. She’s fascinated by the older children and I think she’d stay there all day if I didn’t have a sleep timetable to stick to. That thought makes me think of Kate.
I know Kate adores her niece – surely she wouldn’t let Charlie’s love life get in the way of April’s happiness? Because any family feudwillaffect her, if not now, then when she’s older. I just don’t believe Charlie isn’t capable of making Kate and Valerie see that we’re good for each other; that I could be good forApril.
Despite all of the inner turmoil I’m feeling about Charlie, the day with his daughter is perfect. My chest keeps expanding with joy – every time April giggles, every time she kisses a baby’s face in one of her small cardboard books, every time she does something funny such as splash her face with water and jump with shock. Whatever happens with Charlie, I want to be in April’s life. Even if I’m just silly Aunty Bridget.
The thought makes my eyes prick with tears. I don’t want to be Aunty Bridget, I want to be more than that. And I really, really mean it, from the deepest depths of my heart. What a turnaround for someone who believed she didn’t want to have children.
Charlie returns when April has been down for her afternoon nap for an hour. My heart skips a beat at the sight of his handsome, but exhausted, face.
‘Okay?’ I ask him cautiously as he comes in the door.
