My breath comes out in a puff of vapor. I deserve every ounce of his ire and I’m foolish for believing I could outrun it. I’ve spent every moment of the past four months hoping that if I loved him hard enough, if I worked hard enough to keep things together in hisabsence, I could rewrite how things ended. But staring at him, all wide open and wounded, I know that I am not absolved. I can’t just keep moving. Emmett is going to make me face what I did.
His knuckles are white where he grips the stone railing of the terrace. “I could never have done that to you,never. Even in my darkest days, when I thought I was going to die in that dungeon, when all the bones in my hand were shattered and both eyes were swollen shut, when I was delirious with starvation,neverwould I have chosen to forget you. You were my single light in the darkness. The memory of you was the only thing that kept me warm at night. The pain reminded me you were real.”
His voice softens. “Sometimes it’s hard to remember a time before this place. I would have lost my old self completely if I wasn’t tethered to you. When I think of my life before, it’s like a dream, like something that happened to someone else. But not with you. The memories with you are vivid, awake.You make me exist.”
I want to close the distance between us. It’s only a matter of inches, but it feels uncrossable. “And you wanted me gone,” he finishes gravely.
“I wanted the pain gone,” I say, no louder than a whisper.
“Then that is where we differ. I relished my broken heart becauseyouwere the one who broke it. I would have endured one thousand years bearing the loss of you if it meant I got to hold on to the memories of what we had.”
I wipe away a freezing tear from my cheek, unsure of when I began to cry.
Maybe that’s all love is. Just something you endure.
“I was only doing what I thought you wanted of me. I thought you’d move on.”
Emmett shakes his head. “Then you don’t know me very well at all.” It’s exactly the right thing to say to wound me.
“You know what hurt me the most?” he continues “That you didn’t really believe in me. Our plan was that by marrying Bram, the bargains would be broken. I still can’t figure out why you bargained to forget me if you actually believed the plan would work.”
“It’s because I knew I’d never be able to walk down the aisle and vow to be his wife feeling how I felt—feel—for you. I figured when the bargains were broken and all of a sudden I remembered you again, it would be too late and I’d be Bram’s wife and it was something I could learn to live with while you went off and fell in love with some other girl. And if we were wrong... well, then, I would have been numb forever. It’s not that I didn’t believe in you. I didn’t believe in myself.” I’ve been shrinking into myself, but I can’t help these words from coming out in a frantic burst.
“You really think my love is that fickle?”
I look to the ground, my eyes stinging. “I suppose I did. I’m sorry.”For so many things.
“I’m sorry, too,” Emmett says. “Today, I promise, I was doing my best to protect you. It made me sick to see you walk into that forest. But there are things here you don’t understand, plans already in motion. I can’t make Bram think I’m his enemy, not now.”
“Then let me in,” I plead. “We were partners once, we could be again.”
Emmett sighs but doesn’t argue with me. “Meet me tomorrow morning and I’ll show you more.”
“Tomorrow morning?”
He nods, a hopeful light returning to his eyes. I’ve never been good at saying no to him. This reminds me of all the nights lastspring, agreeing to meet him in the dark of his room or in the sunken garden.
“All right.”
I watch his shadow dip back into the castle and there’s something horrible in the slope of his shoulders. Right before ducking inside, he turns back.
His eyes meet mine and his gaze is as tender as a bruise.
It looks likeYou’re two years too late.
I watch the stars until my face goes numb. I’m about to go inside when movement in the corner of the garden catches my eye. It’s an animal, no larger than a dog, but with silver-white fur that glows the exact same shade as the moon. It’s far away and cloaked in shadow, but I swear it’s got a jagged little stump in the center of its forehead. It’s only then that I crack open and start to sob.
Lydia Benton
The walls hum with the music from the revel raging deep in the castle, nearly loud enough to drown out the knocking at my door.
I open it to find a sorry-looking Bram. His hair hangs in loose waves around his face and his full bottom lip is stuck out in a pout.
I exhale.
I skipped tonight’s revel because I didn’t feel strong enough to face him, but here he is, at my door anyway.
Like a phantom limb, my heart gives a little beat, pleased that he’s chosen to seek me out. I don’t think I’ll ever stop chasing his approval, no matter how I loathe myself for it.
